AND THE USUAL AGAIN

Friday, January 6, 2012 11:54 am EDT


Another day, and same old stuff. Nothing really new in real life or otherwise, but keeping notes every day just the same.

It was the same again this morning, about 1:00 am. Heard sister J’s voice, and then she and X decided on “who” should wake up. And I thought the same thing as the day before, “They just do that so they can waste my time thinking about what they want me to think and screw up and screw around with those things that they don’t want me to say or things that they want to keep hidden. I laid in bed smoking a cigarette, and J says, “See we have to tell him what to do before his feet even hit the floor.”

Still trying to figure out how they keep their crap going, and still the only thing I can think of is that they use the people at work with their texts and photos on the work peoples’ phones. I don’t have a phone with a camera and I’ve never texted anyone in my life. Maybe I read a transcript or there’s some built-in trigger that wakes up some conversations I had with them in the past. Either way, it’s just obnoxious to think about people I can’t tolerate.

And, of course, there was the same idiotic agenda of pushing the gays into my life. Not going to happen.

Did spend a lot of time thinking about FF, X’s son, especially while I was writing thank you cards to the customers on my delivery route. It was suggested to me a few days ago to write them out and I thought, “Now that you’ve suggested it, I’m not going to do it.” But today I got around to it, and there were a lot of thoughts of FF and my aunt and uncle (mentioned briefly in earlier posts). I use the same phrases in the notes as I always do, and FF was saying the things I was writing as I was writing them, but he got the words wrong. He was getting pissed, as if he was supposed to know what I was going to write and... who knows? Maybe he was trying to pass himself off as “psychic” again. He seems to be screwed up, though. He’s the one who was pushing the Kurt Cobain thing in 1994, and when I realized that he and his mother were playing head games with me, he’s the one who showed me how to kill myself. But, as they have tried to push him onto me as a so-called helper before, he’s probably just there to cause trouble as he has been the past 27 years.

Sister J did mention him earlier this morning, as I heard. She said that when X dies, there is something about FF that’s going to come out. I really don’t care, but her statement is similar to what I’ve heard many times in the past about my own mother. People have said before for me to wait until my mother dies, then I can live quietly, i.e. they’ll stop harassing me. I’ve always found this to be an odd lie. There is no reason in the world that I should have to live like this, and wait until she’s gone to be harassment free. She’s about the only one who doesn’t harass me in any way. In fact, I do believe that she’s being harassed herself. After all, she is a witness and a victim of X’s as much as I am (see previous post, 1969).

And, of course, all through my working day (or night, as it really is) I have to put up with associating with words and peoples’ names that they, usually sister J, call out. Why do you always make me associate with peoples’ names? Is it supposed to break my concentration? Is that the easiest way to make me look incompetent? Or is it just in general supposed to drive me crazy? In any case, it’s not working very well for them. I do associate with the names in the sense that that person is on my mind while I’m answering a question, or doing something (physically, like walking, smoking a cigarette, etc), but I don’t dwell on it and it only lasts just a few seconds at the most. A lot of times when this happens, there will be someone who calls out, “Who are you?” And when I think of the person whom they prompted me to think of, I guess they take that as an answer and then crow about how “he thinks he’s so-and-so.” I may be thinking OF so-and-so, but I sure as hell don’t think that I AM so-and-so. It did happen once, about Kurt Cobain, but at that time, it wasn’t as a result as a prompt from them as I hear them prompting nowadays and before the Cobain thing (see earlier post).

Lately, when they ask me, “Who are you?” I’ve taken to saying, “If you have to ask, I shouldn’t tell you.” Or, “If you don’t know, you need glasses.” Or, “I’m your worst nightmare.” I think I used, “Who do you think I am?” once or twice.

That reminds of the other night when I either repeated their questions back to them, and answered their questions with questions. I’m heard them before that I shouldn’t ask any questions, and a long time ago, as far back as in the ‘80s when this started, they told me that I shouldn’t use contractions. The only thing I can think of why I shouldn’t use contractions is that it’s easier for them to edit the word “not” from something I’m saying (to change the meaning entirely) than it is for them to edit something like “isn’t” from something I’m saying.

Another time earlier, X said, “Well, I can’t masturbate for you.” Out of the blue. I just laughed because I know that they love to wait for me to do that. They look like fools, waiting for a mentally ill person to masturbate so they have an opportunity to yell and scream at me while I’m doing it.

Somebody did say to me this morning to “be literal.” I guess I act out their prompts sometimes.

Just a little of this morning’s weirdness, nothing unusual. Wondering now what I’ll be hearing when I wake up again, but I’m sure it’ll be their dupe that wakes up to get the same treatment as they’ve always done.