More imaginings of my so-called "special treatment" that never ends. I have had no time at all to myself today, my brain just goes into imagination mode from the time I wake up until I fall asleep. Here's what I've been listening to from that phony "guide" Fatso. I'm supposed to believe is helping me. He is really adamant about getting me to join the gay community, but I know he wants to just harass me. I really wonder who hired him to keep my mind on things I don't like and things about the past that he's trying to change. He's always playing out some psychodramas populated with people I know, or barely know, and trying to get me to imagine a re-telling of things in my past. Lately, his re-telling demands involve some of my parent's friends from long ago. I would like to warn them that somebody is interested in them, but I haven't seen them in decades that I know of, and as you can see from my previous posts, it would just be ignored. Maybe they hired him themselves--that would be ironic.
Anyway, today's ruminations.
Those two, Fatso and F, from the incident at the store are really going on a rampage this morning. She kept it up with her usual 'gender trouble' and thinks it's proof. She's just not qualified to tell an imitation from a personality. It's really funny how she switches me from 'now he's a woman, now he's a man' by calling female names, etc. Then she says, using the complete the sentence harassment, "Every time you call a woman a bitch, then you..." and she points the finger at me, and I think to myself, she wouldn't allow any voice from me since she had an audience, I'm sure, "then I call them a bitch," meaning ' just nothing more'. When she pointed the finger, I of course "changed", like they call it into imitate a broad mode. I bet any money that she's made me copy her, with exaggerated movements, a lot of swinging around. I don't think of doing anything that women do, dream of having a baby, or doing nails, or whatever. She always checks for KS's "I'll leave the pinkie sticking straight out post as a reminder." How brain washed they've made me since 1985.
Like F, Fatso had a good time with me, pretending or not, to get me to accept 'help' from some guy at work and the guy's kid. He probably just made me call them on the phone. Fatso keeps the "we had your permission to do this, just admit it." He lies, the only one who ever asked, and of course she knew that I would already say yes, was F. But they want me to say they had permission to do that months before their incident at McC's. Of course, he kept misleading his audience, knowing that I can't say anything. They are very deceitful.
And the usual "say you are gay" and they use any reference, no matter how remote or offhand the comment is, they prance around with some piece of paper and thank me for the confession. I got no idea what they made of something, and I really don't care. And the gay community thing came in, just for a little today, and another attempt at making me listen to the 'let's help him get used to living with being a woman.' I feel sorry for those. The way that they, especially F, use them . They think they are getting an opportunity to help me, and they call me "she", and "oh, he just needs more time." She knows I don't like them, and I'm just not going to join their crowd, ever. For a while a few months ago, it was just "wake up at someone's house. And it always turned into them yelling at me, calling me a traitor, and the one that really makes me laugh: "I better not see you get married, because you never fought for us, you just used the guys, etc." I don't even have a desire to have the slightest bit of relationship with anyone, and when I think of marriage, it isn't the gay kind. But, as always, I know she is leading them on, and I have hours of listening to the same diatribes that come from special interest groups.
When they have an audience and ask a question, it follows the basic pattern: She throws out a question and I hear two thing. One word of the sentence fades and is replaced, with another word. For example, "She does believe in ...." Of course, that's what they hear her saying; I hear, "She does (not) believe in..."
I say "Yes" to the do not believe, and realize I just gave the answer to the question the audience heard, and it's totally opposite to what I want to say. It happens a lot. People should watch her hands while she talks, one point down, a sweeping motion, or whatever, and she made me insert a "not". It is so obvious to me, what is called editing, and the combination of the fade out, insert another word, answer the question I heard, then there it is. It sucks.
I remember years ago, often imagining her, and some drag queens from the community, standing in the street outside my house. It's been years ago. I think she might have cursed herself with "running too far to get home." Also known as "overkill." To pass me off as a gender confused person is ridiculous. No one has to go very far into my head to find the five or six year old who always says yes. And to the dress, but never made up, make-up, etc. I think I cried more when I had to give up a pacifier than not wearing T's dress. What a cheapskate T was, I only got one of her dresses. Ha. I still have the pacifier, only it's called a cigarette, and no one pulls it out of my mouth.
Anyway, the last word on the gay issue is a definite "no" and it has been for a very long time, almost twenty years. But they still try to push it on me, and all the training in the world won't change anything. The gay people are only used by my harassers as a weapon, they know I don't agree, and I think they use their finger snapping change thingy to put two opposite answers come out of my mouth. I'll say no to something, then *snap* I'll say yes, and then the Fatso says, "see, he doesn't know what the real thing is." I've heard from him a lot lately saying, "what's the matter with you, one minute you like this, the next minute you don't like it" and I know I only gave one answer. They are so desperate to show people that I'm naturally incompetent, but they use such crap: word games, double talk (using an association to replace a word) But then, I'm supposed to be competent enough to be responsible for making the decision that, "well, he gave us his permission." I know I'm just in for hell when they are around, so why the hell would I say yes? Especially after the store incident. They replay the one time I said yes to her, and then I'm screwed, they gloat, and the dupes get entertained.
Double talk, metaphors, associations. Interesting how this can be used. Take a word, "do I hear a word from the audience?" ha ha just making myself laugh. Anyway, make the victim associate with something, say cigarette. Get a response from victim, say ET, saw her smoking in movies, or, JE, old neighbor who I started smoking when we were about 15 or so (I actually gave it many months thought before I started smoking). Make victim use the associated word first, so victim says, I would like to smoke ET. People say what? Another word, an old one. Pot, victim associates that with fish or groceries (code words when talking over the phone). Make victim use the word pot in a sentence and call victim crazy when victm uses the association instead of intended word. I wonder if they can make me babble in a string of associated words.
And the classic: Carry on a conversation near victim, using trigger words and words the victim would associate with. This is probably the most common I get at places where I work. I know they use people I've worked with to "help me get through to him." But, no doubt, the key words in their conversations are words the victim would associate with negatively. In the job I have now, I only spend about an hour in the warehouse. One Sunday, I'm at my bench, and I looked up, and on the other side of the bench was a woman that worked there and Fatso. I heard the woman talking about her son who got caught with a gun or something, and she was asking him about what kind of sentence he would get. And she's doing a stroke a handkerchief, wave hands around thing, and I heard Fatso, say, "One word from him..." I thought that he was referring to me. I thought to myself, "I'm not saying a word (to help), and I don't know which one of those two to feel sorry for, I don't like either of them." Through the years I've heard a lot of "we need you. we need your voice. So cooperate." It was like they use me to be some player in some schemes they have, or it's a "look what you can do for people!" joke. Then even before they turn away they'll say, "See, he's obviously suffering from delusions of grandeur" It's just more of the "help the victim to play head games with himself."
4:02 PM
My mind working overtime with F and T justifying their crap, and as always, T drones on and I don't understand what she's saying, it's all garbled, unti I say something or move, then she's back to "see, that was .....", and fills in the blank with some woman's name. Meaning "now he's .. " whatever girl. She just keeps reinforcing that the only way she can wake me up is as a female, but isn't that the only thing she wants anyway? And why is it that I'm surrounded by almost all females who have a gripe about me? And no one else is allowed to even communicate with me? I've heard T's husband's voice, but it is when I state a sentence, and he reads along, and then at a certain point, the words that I hear him saying are not the words that I am thinking. T gets something from me and before she allows me to say something, she edits it, and her husband reads the edited version. I'm definitely not thinking what she has her husband saying, and passing it off as me, because it's my thought halfway, and T's edits the rest of the way.
I still heard again, that maybe I should just apologize to T, that's all they need to hear. Well, I've told T some things years ago, and I don't doubt that she makes me say them out loud, and I don't think she needs an apology from me. And F is still trying to get the gay stuff she wants verified, and her dupes keep falling for it. I just heard a man, probably T's husband, say, well you did try to commit suicide. They put me in that position, and use it over and over to get me in that position so they have the excuse to do some manipulation, harassment, and do everything else but talk about this suicide thing. Why? they're trying to tie their phony sexual/gender problems to killing myself, which isn't happening. It is so much easier for their dupes to fall for their crap, make them accomplices in this crime of harassment, when they invoke the word suicide. Especially the gays. They are soooooooo worried about, and I've heard this for real many times, "It's not going to happen on my watch." They assign themselves as some watcher over their "problem children". I've never seen such overbearing people who insist on getting into each other's business, whether somebody wants them in their business or not.
The bottom line? They're not saving me from suicide, because it isn't going to happen and they know it, they use that to tell everyone that they are justified in doing their phony analysis, play the tedious "we are making your dreams come true" psychodramas with real people, and all the while I'm sleeping. But, they'll say that I'm not sleeping, they pass me off as having a split personality, and that's why they got his permission, "the wrong personality protests against us and don't listen to him," and they are "helping the real W, the W that they know is what he wants to be.....ever since we knew him, ever since he was little."
There is no such thing as multiple personality disorder--that's crap created by charlatans and criminals. A lot of people see that they are just playing an endless game of poking the zoo animal, and they stay silent because they could end up just as used as I am. Hmm, no anger management type therapy, even with the fingergun pointed at some girl? Some amateur psycho-sexual therapy instead? Hmmmmm.
I guess I'll get some sleep, if it isn't sleep deprivation day. I find those days pretty obnoxious.
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