LIGHTS

I recalled an experience from 1986 when I tried to join the military.  I tried to join them so that I could get away from all these weird things. I was accepted, and was ready to go in April 1986.  And one morning my sister, G, woke me up and said the military had called and they wanted me to go right then.  I hurried out and her and her husband drove me to the recruiting center.  They were driving really fast, screeched to a stop, I got out and went to the building.  No one said anything.

As it turned out, the guy behind the desk said that I was early by a day, but after a few minutes, they told me I could go to the induction center thirty miles away with three other men.  Everything looked different, the desks were rearranged from the last time I was there, they could have remodeled, but all the people were different.

So, three other guys and myself went thirty miles to the induction center.  It took five hours, and I don't think we stopped anywhere.  Way too long for a thirty mile drive.  No one spoke during the ride, but I heard so much noise in my head, I hadn't heard for a long time.  I heard cruching sounds in my ear, like someone was eating potato chips right next to my ear. And a cuckoo clock, I think.

I didn't get far into the process when I cracked up and ended up at some doctor's office.  But looking back at it now, it wasn't any normal treatment.  They made me read a list of statements of the fill in the blank sort.  I started to read the first question, "Sometimes I .."  They said to read them aloud.  "Sometimes I get so mad, I could _________."  I stopped reading, and said, "No, that's not my thought." The blank was filled in with "I could kill someone."  The second statement was "I'm so hungry I could eat a _________."  It was "a horse."  I laughed and said, "Are the rest of these this easy?"  There was doctor in shirt and tie, and a nurse, I assume, but dressed in street clothes.  We skipped the rest of the statements, and the nurse read the last one to me.  "Only you can ..." She pointed at me with a pen, or maybe just her finger, I immediately looked to my right, I don't think she directed me to look in that direction, and said, or thought, "fill in the blanks."  I sort of laughed.

The next thing I remember was sitting in a chair, and a skinny woman in dark clothes stood in front of me, and opened some sort of wallet or credit card holder, and I looked to my left once, then to my right once, then straight ahead, just in time to see her slap this wallet thing closed, shake her head and say, "He'll never figure it out."

Recently, I thought about that while these 'imaginary' people were doing their interrogation.  I'm sitting in some auditorium-like room, the sort that you find in a college classroom.  I'm seated in the middle, about a third of the way to the back of the room, elevated from the floor a bit, like it had stadium seating.  Directly in front of me is something like a large pad of brown paper, hanging on the wall.  Next to this pad is a simple wooden chair, with some guy sitting in it, I assume he's a psychologist.  To my right, are seated some people, sometimes family members or strangers.  To my left, built into the wall, and placed up high toward the ceiling, is a room with a large glass window looking overlooking the seating area.  On the lower level, also on my left, is an opening, I imagine it's some short hallway that leads to an office where the lady who is in charge, but she only comes out sometimes to shut people up.

So, I have to sit there, and listen to that phony psychiatrist, not the one who sits in the chair by the pad of brown paper, while he tells the audience, to my right, things about me, and what answers I give.  But I know that he's telling them things that I don't agree with, but I can't answer.  If I do answer, I can tell he edits the answers to 'prove his point.'  And he walks around, dressed in a camo-like uniform, waving his papers at me, saying to sign the paper, it says that I gave him permission to start this interrogation thing.  Or he'll say things like, "Just admit your gay," over and over.  And the, "Just apologize to your sister, T."

So, one time a few weeks ago, I told him I didn't want to cooperate, and told him to stop lying, etc.  So, I think I told him that I could fix my own problems, because I knew better than he where I should go (where in my past some answer might be).  So, I thought about that experience I had at the doctor's office in 1986, relaxed and thought about the part where the woman in dark clothes said, "He'll never figure it out." So, I relaxed a bit, and shortly, I pictured the event in my mind (I usually have my eyes closed when I do these type things) and in a few minutes, despite that phony psychiatrist and others, I think, telling me it's nonsense what I was doing, I started that event over, beginning at just before the woman crossed in front of me.  I had done the same thing many times the past twenty six years, and it was always the same.  Look to the left, to the right, and then straight ahead.  But this time, it was different.  I looked to my left three times (to the left,ahead,left,ahead,left) and for the first time, I saw a face looking at me, just a face, nothing of what kind of hair, or shoulders, and it was made up in gaudy make-up, and some dangling earrings, and it blew me a kiss, like mocking me, a kiss like, "ha ha sucker."  Then I looked to my right, and came back to look down the center, where a doctor was standing behind a desk.  He was tall and had thinning hair.

It was the first time I realized that I was looking to my left three times, and the first time I saw a face.  I thought it was me, that they had dressed me up, and I also thought of my sister T when it blew me a kiss, or I blew myself a kiss. I realized that when I looked to the right, I thought of my sister G. The doctor in front of me said, or I might have been told, that to the left was the past, right was the future, and straight ahead was the present.  He pointed to the right and left at the same time and said, "See, they're both the same thing."

I sat there, in the auditorium-like room, and looked around, from left to right, without jerking as it was the times before.  They asked me what just happened, I didn't explain it.

Lately that phony psychiatrist guy has been telling me things like to go fishing.  I heard this several time the past few weeks.  The first thought I had about that was seeing a kid fishing at a lake near where someone my parents knew.  I saw the kid, must have been about thirteen or twelve, catch a fish, and instead of releasing it, just pound it against a rock.  It was disgusting.  Since I hear about going fishing lately, I assume, and I'm probably right, that they see this 'fishing' and trying to pass it off as my 'fishing.'  Funny, fish was a code word for pot back in the 80's with some people I knew.

The other thing I've thought of yesterday, or so, was when I sat in a room, in 1986, looking at a doorway with a curtain, some tall guy came out, held a pipe above my mom's head, I saw a flash of light, and immediately pointed, and shot. An imaginary gun, or a rea gun, I don't know.  Then some guy next to me asked, "Do you know (or, did you see) what W2 did?" and "What do you think of that?"  "I don't want to hurt anyone," I said.

I have thought of this many times since 1986, but yesterday was the first time that this continued on.  Immediately after I said, "I don't want to hurt anyone," a man sitting next to me started reading and quickly said, "Then why did you say, 'why don't you...whore...take it back to...I wish you were never born."  I immediately knew where this came from and what kind of trick this was. It wasn't a yes or no question to begin with, so I didn't answer immediately, for once.  And I knew it was the words of two people put together.  It was from May 1984, and I was one of those two people.  My sister J had a baby in May 1984, and came back home from living with the man she was living with.  She didn't like it, I didn't like it (for two good, valid reasons I will not go into).  I said the first part, admittedly I should have used different words, but I could not give anyone the reasons why she should go (it has nothing to do with anything about myself).  My sister said the last part, "I wish...." while looking at the baby.

Since this time was the first time I was given two speaker's lines put together, it is their old trick of trying to pin onto me other person's crap.  The fish beating? Something I saw, make me act it out, and there you are! that's his "fishing" they'll say, and they'll get J to agree to it, because she was there, too.  "Broil or Bake?"  someone else's comment about news story (some guy cut his kid's head off and cooked it on the oven) Not my comment. "How dare you stick your weenie in my window?" Not my comment, but people were playing it to me as a 'complete the sentence' test or association.  "I want to be a lady for once!"  Not my comment.  Since the phoney shrink has been going around too many times lately trying to change things up, insist that things in my 1969 post were done by my parents instead of other parents, and that his "version" of events will be the only version that will come out, it is way past time to respond.  Yes, I know, even in real life, if someone wants to deny something they have said to me, they can always, and I'm sure they do, say, "You know he's crazy and hears things."  The same tactic goes on there, in that auditorium-like room.  If you need whitewashing, blame it on W.  And trying to prove a "faulty memory" with such inane things?   Welcome to my worlds.

And in that auditorium, in the room with the glass window, T looks down, and shouts directions, "think this" "think that" snaps and pops to stop and edit what I want to say.  And J, up there, and at home, calling out directions, who I have to 'be' when I get to the warehouse to work every night, what to do when I see someone, one of the managers or whatever they cook up to make me look like a fool.  Because, you should just sit there and say nothing while they "speak" for me.  Edit this blog, they can't.  But they sure make it certain that I'll have trouble typing, hit the y key three times, write the name of the manager you like the most, and the "T! T!" so my left arm drops.  And it is mostly J doing this, giving out commands that are to say the least, not helpful.

They are not my friends, and never were.

Now J is telling me to pull my hair out, and it doesn't happen, so, of course, she's trying to prove she can't do it.  Pull your head off, say your name...I'm hearing these commands as I'm typing now.  I can only imagine how many times J has pulled out her watch as she did in 1985, in my room in the middle of the night, cause trouble, a provoked phone call, all to get people to try to help get me commited.  She's probably proved she can show the real W to them.  It should stop with the curses.

When that guy asked me "Then why did you say.....I wish you were never born,"  I didn't answer.  I'm already screwed up for life.  why not let her stick more onto me?  I've already been slandered, and become a walking sight gag.  But to put, so obviously,....

(Be G? J said just now.  I'm sure they're pretending to have a conversation that allegedly doesn't have anything to with me, but so obvious she's giving me the 'people to be later'  Telephone? Is she getting rid of the telephone command that makes me call somebody or let somebody hold a phone to my mouth while I rant?)

....two speaker's lines together to take some burden off of somebody else?

Now look, some lady is telling me to think about Cl. or Kl, exactly which one?  After all, she just told me that they call the 'shots' and when she says jump, then...I told her I won't jump. I'm sure she meant the slapping Kl.  She's telling me to take that name off or she won't let me sleep.  It's been sleep deprivation day quite often lately.  She's shouting "all those things are absolutely.... and J is supposed to agree.  However, she probably said, absolutely false, I didn't hear 'false' and she's going on a rampage telling me to "can you prove it (that I didn't hear false).  And she runs down front and says, "this is her part, and..."  I'm busy typing, and you are too devious.

She told me television, (which is tv, to transvestite) or nothing.  She means that she is giving me a choice.  I either play the crazy transvestite wanna-be, or don't wake up at all. "Was it watch tv or nothing",   (don't look so innocent, sweetie, they know you can do things to them, too. Don't kid yourself.)
So, what did she do? Am I now a flouncy little thing? blind? what?  She just said "arrest him".  I'm not supposed to edit their scenes that they put on for the audience.

Is she asking for commands to shout at me?
Am I reciting some lines someone wrote?  T is asking the usual question 'who are you?' Not you, see previous posts.  I find the 'seig heil' curse words quite rude.
The 'whistling' click click
I met saw a woman, after I closed my eyes to try to get some sleep.  She got in my face and said, "When we f**k somebody up, they stay f**ked."  She had a big knife, and shoved it in my gut for pretend.  She's so subtle.  Looked really familiar.

T, or someone in the glass room upstairs, said "take your weiner out."
She's giving me one more chance, "Tv or death?"  Neither, you must be the one who is dreaming if you think you are scaring me.  After twenty six years, it is obvious now who is creating this charade.  Wake up, is that what people want to hear from me, so they can all act like they are victims of me?
T, of course, is thinking right now, "should I say 'who are you?'"
Someone said, "Is that your woman?"  Is it directed toward me or someone else?  And am I supposed to answer as if I have a "woman" that has to get out?  Just want to be a tranny so bad, or else I'll kill myself?  No, no woman wanna-be, here, and no, that's not saying "then your so complete!"

Stop playing games, everyone.  What are you trying to explain away by putting so much dirt on me? And I'm not dead, either.