Just went through a week without the internet, the phone lines went dead. It took the phone company over a week to get them running again, but I don't think they'll give any rebate on the week without a phone, let alone the money I lost not being able to do my data entry job. Other than that, it was pretty normal at the other job, no great revelations or any interference from the imagination.
Had a lot of thoughts about that lady from the office. Just before I went to sleep a few days ago, I saw her, with my eyes closed but I was still awake. She had a butcher knife, got in my face and said, "When we f**k people up, they stay f**ked up." She mock jabbed me with the knife at the last word. I wasn't afraid of her at all, I think she's kind of new at this "screw him over" charade. I have good reason to believe that it is X's daughter, CC.
At first I thought she was referring to my sister J as the one who should "stay f**ked up", but when the knife came out, I figured she was trying to threaten me, she sure doesn't like it since I started blogging. I got the feeling that she was protecting J, was maybe her blackmailer, lawyer, or shrink. I don't know for real if J has any of the above, and I don't care to think about it. I think she might be passing herself off as my lawyer, she keeps trying to overwrite some old imprints of mine, or getting my first reaction to some things updated. I think she gets pretty annoyed when I try to tell her that I'm not changing my first impression of some things, and I wonder if she can force it like that guy does.
That guy is up to the same old crap, and I just don't know why he doesn't get tired of his own s**t. It's the same old thing with him, get me to just sit around and he gets the gays to harass me. It is harassment, I would not ever go near those people, or any of their sympathizers. But there they are, the one old lady who insists that everything in my life just has to be viewed through their tunnelvision-like view of the world. And the guy just stands there, using them as a weapon of harassment, and they probably don't even realize it. He lies to them about what I want, and tells me that all I have to do is apologize to them. Never. I don't even agree with those people on much of anything, and he's just leading them down the road of "you people have to help him." There's nothing to apologize about, I have the right to think what I want without being punished. I just wonder what lies behind his insistance that I apologize to them or T, and on and on. I think he's trying to get me to the "you hurt somebody so now assume the position of suicide, like you did in 1985." When he puts me there, it's when he engineers his psychodramas and plays with people.
Sister T came through for a little while. She did the other day too, when I was doing a crossword puzzle, filled in an answer, and she chimes in with her rah-rah cheering bull. I get so irritated at their phony cheering on, but I just laugh at them. They shouldn't even be in my thoughts. But there T is, droning on, reading some directions for what to think and do later, none of it is helpful at all. And she'll jump in with intrusive thoughts while I'm trying to tell other people to go bug off. What a dead end all these people are going down. I'm not changing any of the past, and they keep trying to tell others that my memories are either false or never existed at all. They only keep me quiet, and insist that they have to speak for me but it's really because they are afraid of what I can say about them. Despite the mind games they play on me, they must not have their crap covered as well as I thought they did, or else they wouldn't keep the psychological harassment going.
KS made a cameo appearance today. Haven't thought of her in a while. She was saying that she had the last say on who I truly am, but she can't wake up the real me (or what she claims is the real me) because that would be giving herself away as the interrogator that she was in 1985. She was the one I met at AN's
house in 1985, asked me all sorts of questions while I was asleep, and the one I tried to shoot at that grocery store during the 'great freak out', which everyone denies happened because they staged it in the first place.
They each have their own little 'job' they have to do on me. The lady, who I got the feeling is the daughter of an aunt and uncle of mine, just wants to protect the interests of my relatives and their friends. But she does this by bitching at me privately and then playing nice when she has an audience. Trying to change what I know of the past is definitely the wrong way to go, and that is basically what she's trying to do.
That guy, who was at the 'great freak out' is just trying to play out the important points that played out at the store in 1985. I have to do some things for him that verifies what I said or did back then. The way it was supposed to end in 1985 was that I was to be arrested for something, child molesting or some such crap. But when I put my fingergun to my head back then, it really put a kink in their plans. So, I thing he's just left with trying to force me to accept some screwy kind of gay he has in mind, and to explain where the "he wakes up when he gets called a child molestor" comes from. Neither is happening--no gay life for me and no child molesting to explain, either.
I know none of what I thought or did in 1985 matters to me anymore, but since they chose those imprints at the time, they have to play them out, or get me to 'confront' them now. Does it really do any good? If I'm not agreeing with them now, i.e. verifying them these days, how can they be important at all? It's only important to them, to justify the tactics they used then and now. I'm only guessing when I think that they want me to verify those imprints I have from back then so they can match them up with imprints that other people have. And as long as I don't cooperate in verifying, they use the imprints as some sort of block, harassment, or excuse in not letting me rest. They just keep up the psychological harassment, the remember this, remember that, think this now, remember later, etc.
And if I did give them what they want, what happens then? "Just another confessed so-and-so" is what they'll say and, of course they never tortured me for twenty-six years, because, as the saying goes, "It was all in his head." That guy still keeps the "he's really a woman" thing as something for show when he has an audience. And it's just his cover, that if I did agree with him in a totally unrelated matter, he'll make it look like I'm agreeing with his theory of 'he's a broad'. He's probably dumb enough to try to prove to his audience that I go into suicide mode because of his "woman" excuse, when it really was because I took the opportunity to shoot KS, in my freak out at the store. So, along with so much other stuff that can't be talked about, it's just all in my head, as their favorite saying goes.
I think my sister T is the one who keeps throwing obstacles in those other people's way, with her interference and her never ending, "No, he's not shaped up enough to be let alone." They don't realize that she isn't protecting me, she's protecting someone else. The most preposterous thing I've heard from anyone lately has come from her. Today, she said, "I want him in a relationship." What an ass. A relationship is something that I wouldn't even remotely consider, would just be something for them to play with, and how creepy is it that she, sister T, is so interested in my sex and personal life? Wacko.
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