MARCH 17, 2012

March 17, 2012  9:51 pm EDT

From the forum.

Hello,


It's 7:30 pm here and it's still 76 degrees F. And it's still winter. Didn't have much of a winter here, the grass didn't even go dormant, and I wonder how the fruit trees are going to do this year since they haven't had that six weeks or so of a hard freeze they need to set decent fruit.

I had no idea the Exorcist was banned in England. I can't think of any reason for that other than a religious aspect. It was the thing to do here back in 1972 or 73 when it first came out. It was a bragging right to say that you stood in line for hours to see it.

Yeah, I hated what they did to Fred, but Ilyria was OK only because of the actress. Angel plays here on a cable channel, two episodes a day, so you can watch the whole series in a couple of months. I turn off the last ten minutes or so of that episode where Fred dies. Reminded me of when they killed off Doyle. I liked Doyle. I did hate the Cordelia dies/Jasmine story line. Too bad they didn't keep Cordelia until the end of the series.

---The saddest thing about the scripting is I had not even slightly realised until yesterday this was in fact me roll-playing with "voice". ---

I usually fall asleep quickly, out like a light from one minute to the next. Many times, when I close my eyes to sleep, I see images. I wouldn't call them hallucinations, since they only occur with my eyes closed, but they are images of people I don't know, sometimes they mouth words to me, but most times they are not in motion at all. Many times I am given, or, since this has been going on for so long, that I know that I'm supposed to copy their mannerisms, or they serve as "what does this remind you of?" images. They only last for seconds at a time, and I can make it stop by opening my eyes. But, I have to close my eyes eventualy to sleep. It's like a photographic/motion picture version of a Rorschach test. I'd rather look at ink blots.

This leads me to the version of scripting and role playing I have going on. I'm not in charge of any of the role playing. Last year or so, I did have the images I describe above and in this snippet I was with some woman and her son. I knew them in real life and I do not like them at all. I can't stress that enough. So the woman was in front of me and her son (I did not see her, but I know she was there) and she said that they were going to crown me King. And her son started to put a crown on my head and I pushed it away and said, "Oh, no. Let F__ be King." She said, "No. He can't be King." I looked, and realized the crown was one of those cardboard crowns they pass out at the Burger King restaurants. And I thought to myself, "It's just the usual pyschodramas they play out just to make me look like a fool." Grandeur is not a delusion I've ever had.

So, where does this come from? Was I remembering something they did for real and only, as they love to prompt, remember it "as a dream"? I wouldn't have anything to do with those two people in real life. I wouldn't choose a scenario as that. I do remember, and always have, refusing to be King in real life. In grade six, at age 11. We studied the Medieval period, as much as 11 year olds could grasp. We learned there were Kings, knights and serfs. The teacher asked the class, "Who here could be King?" Eventually she pointed to me and said, or asked me, that I should be King. I said no, I'd rather be a serf.

She was surprised and we went through the why not? I said I didn't want to be in charge. And that lead to the "avoiding responsibility" lecture, etc. Then she asked, and I'm paraphrasing after 40 years, "Who wants to be King?" Some other kid said he would. Then she went on with the "Does everyone see the difference? The one who could be King doesn't want to and the one who..." In effect, she was saying that the other kid was only capable of serfdom. I was embarassed. I felt sorry for the other kid even at the time. In effect she called him dumb.

That's one version of role playing/scripting I have. Very different from yours, I would say, since you are in charge of the scripting to some extent and I am not. I'm just there as a prop or a "what would you do" sort of test or harassment. Mostly just harassment to me. They also have the scripting/role playing regarding the future.

I was thinking that eventually I would move into a trailer and live alone. So again, as a dream, I'm walking through a mobile home, as if I were looking to move there, and then some guy said, "This is your bathroom." I looked and it was F___ , the guy from the "let's crown the fool king with a cardboard crown" incident described above. I looked and thought, "Knock it off. I know what you're doing. If I do move into a trailer, the thought of you will be here, and I won't have it." The voices have always wanted me to accept them as "guidance." Well, with the guides they want me to follow, they only want to guide me into future failure.

This is why I'm so adamant about giving any of these voices or imaginings any credibility at all. Guided by people whom I don't like. Guided in playing out psychodramas with no sort of "debriefing period" and remembered later. Guided in playing out the future. Well, it aint therapy and mostly what they do is harassment and the general "you can't be yourself." I remember that woman saying to me once, when I wanted to get away from her and what they do, "You never going to get out of here until you change your mind."

You mentioned doubt. Doubt and skepticism is fine and necessary in the intellectual, learning realm. But when it comes to your life, and what you know for real, what happened to you and when, there is no room for doubt. Like I said before, the voices will tell you this or that happened when you know it never did, and they'll tell you that you're really this or that. If it's true, it's true, and if it aint, it aint, and there's nothing they can say to make it true.

Last night I noticed another intrusive thought triggered by a word I heard. I was listening to a talk show on the radio as I was driving around delivering. I was hearing their usual "screw up while working" diatribes and I half heard some guy on the radio say "....study-- **I WAS STUDYING MAGIC IN COLLEGE** -- ...studying blah blah." And I thought, "There's one (intrusive thought)" The intrusive thought is in capitalized in the quote above. It was in a woman's voice. I thought of the Harry Potter kind of magic, not the Houdini stuff. I just thought, "What? Am I supposed to repeat that out loud somewhere to sound like a fool?" There wasn't an answer to that. I just brush it off.

I just wanted to tell you how scripting/role playing goes on with me. I don't think of them as any valid thoughts of mine because I never choose the subject. I'm just there in the middle of it. It's been a tactic of "theirs" for a long time. A tired and played out (pun intended) harassment technique of theirs.

It is now 9:48 pm EDT.