March 11, 2012

March 11, 2012 12:34 pm EDT

Here is something that I posted on a forum.
From: Berm

Sent: Mar 9, 2012 7:21 PM

Hi. I've never pm'd anyone, but I don't feel like leaving this hanging and I don't really want to put too many details out there. In 1986, about a year after the onset of sz, I signed up for the Navy, was accepted and waited a few months until I was to report for induction. I was told they called me and to go to the local recruiting station and then taken to an induction center. Relatives dropped me off and tore out of the parking lot with squealing tires. I went inside and they told me I was a day early, but they'd take me to the induction center anyway. I got there, and in short, I had an episode, they inducted me anyway, dragged me off somewhere, shot me up with something and I just had the worst time in my life, but I was alone in some room, except for a brief period of time in a bathroom, in front of a mirror, with some guy next to me who put a gun in my hand, took my hand and pointed it to my head, told me to look in the mirror in front of me and screamed, "Is that what you want?" I said no, but after I dropped my arm he did the same thing over again at least twice. Then I remember being in front of a psychiatrist, written up as paranoid sz--the guy showed me the page and all I got to read was "paranoid sz." Then there were some women with the doctor, who never showed his face and kept his head down. They made me read some fill in the blank statements with the blanks already filled in. Things like, "Sometimes I get so angry I could _____." When I realized the rest of the sentence was,"..kill someone." I stopped and told them, "No. these are not my thoughts." Some woman said, "See. He knows the difference." Then some stupid statements like "I'm so hungry I could eat a _____." Horse.

Then in another room with someone trying to teach me how to tell time. He or she pointed to a clock on the wall. And I couldn't tell time and was told to get out of there.

In another room then with some woman. I only saw her hands. She pointed to the top of the page and asked me if that was the date and time. I said I didn't know, so she showed me her watch and said "Well, look." She pointed to a line on the page that said "No waiver of rights to an investigation." She told me to check the box. I said I didn't want to, "is it in my best interest?" She said it was. Then I was home. Someone asked me why I was back, I said it was because my eyes were too bad. Funny thing is, I didn't remember some of the above stuff at that time.

My sister said that the military called my mom and told her that I was dead. I'm pretty sure she mentioned suicide when she told me that, but I really don't know.

The guy who signed me up called me at home and asked what happened, and I said I was sorry, but... The phone call just faded away.

So, the situation is, I have a complete set of sign up documents, but absolutely nothing about any discharge papers until last week.

I filled out a Freedom of Information Act form for my records, just so I have them. The whole thing's been a non issue since then. No one mentions it. Except for some abusive friend of my mom's who said something like, "Oh. I thought you would chicken out of coming over (to her house)." I've hardly seen any of my relatives since that time.

And in the mail I got copies of my sign up forms and three pages about discharge that I have never seen before. (The one that the lady showed me, as I describe above, is in what they sent me)The other two were discharge papers for ZAB-Medical Disqualification, but no specific reason. ZAB means for a condition that did not exist prior to service. I'm listed as a veteran. With two whole days.

So, to get the specifics of this medical reason for disqualification I have to get them from the VA hospital system. I mailed the request a few days ago.

Who has my exit papers? I don't know. I don't have them, my mom doesn't have them. They wouldn't send me home without my own copies. Somebody must have them.

As for the voices, they love to say things about chickening out, etc. When I thought of asking for the papers from the military, I had to listen to a long while of, "They are looking for you. You are AWOL." And so forth. But I'm not that stupid, if you fail for some reason, they write you up and you're out. They're not going to waste their time looking for an AWOL, especially since they called me when I got home. The military was really nice about it, by the way, and I don't and never did blame anything that happened on them.

Then the voices started with, "It wasn't you who signed up, somebody else did." As if some other "personality" signed up and I'm supposed to act like I never knew about it. I don't think multiple personality disorder is valid in any case, by the way. And, according to the voices, if I don't act like a split personality, they will come and arrest me for defrauding the government. They even told me once that I should burn original sign up papers that I've always had. Fat chance. They know where I'm at and, again, they wouldn't waste their time.

Anyway, that's the way it stands. I know doctors don't like to give people their medical reports because they're afraid of lawyers and malpractice, etc. But I'm asking for a psychiatric report, 26 years old, and most likely done by the military since I was inducted then discharged two days later. It won't be hard to get and I just wonder how detailed it's going to be.

I know, this is very odd. You can email this to anyone who might have heard of anything remotely like this or to anyone who might be interested.

Thanks for reading this, I know it's long, and so much for not wanting to give out too many details. But I've put this on my blog anyway so it doesn't matter.