March 17, 2012 9:51 pm EDT
From the forum.
Hello,
It's 7:30 pm here and it's still 76 degrees F. And it's still winter. Didn't have much of a winter here, the grass didn't even go dormant, and I wonder how the fruit trees are going to do this year since they haven't had that six weeks or so of a hard freeze they need to set decent fruit.
I had no idea the Exorcist was banned in England. I can't think of any reason for that other than a religious aspect. It was the thing to do here back in 1972 or 73 when it first came out. It was a bragging right to say that you stood in line for hours to see it.
Yeah, I hated what they did to Fred, but Ilyria was OK only because of the actress. Angel plays here on a cable channel, two episodes a day, so you can watch the whole series in a couple of months. I turn off the last ten minutes or so of that episode where Fred dies. Reminded me of when they killed off Doyle. I liked Doyle. I did hate the Cordelia dies/Jasmine story line. Too bad they didn't keep Cordelia until the end of the series.
---The saddest thing about the scripting is I had not even slightly realised until yesterday this was in fact me roll-playing with "voice". ---
I usually fall asleep quickly, out like a light from one minute to the next. Many times, when I close my eyes to sleep, I see images. I wouldn't call them hallucinations, since they only occur with my eyes closed, but they are images of people I don't know, sometimes they mouth words to me, but most times they are not in motion at all. Many times I am given, or, since this has been going on for so long, that I know that I'm supposed to copy their mannerisms, or they serve as "what does this remind you of?" images. They only last for seconds at a time, and I can make it stop by opening my eyes. But, I have to close my eyes eventualy to sleep. It's like a photographic/motion picture version of a Rorschach test. I'd rather look at ink blots.
This leads me to the version of scripting and role playing I have going on. I'm not in charge of any of the role playing. Last year or so, I did have the images I describe above and in this snippet I was with some woman and her son. I knew them in real life and I do not like them at all. I can't stress that enough. So the woman was in front of me and her son (I did not see her, but I know she was there) and she said that they were going to crown me King. And her son started to put a crown on my head and I pushed it away and said, "Oh, no. Let F__ be King." She said, "No. He can't be King." I looked, and realized the crown was one of those cardboard crowns they pass out at the Burger King restaurants. And I thought to myself, "It's just the usual pyschodramas they play out just to make me look like a fool." Grandeur is not a delusion I've ever had.
So, where does this come from? Was I remembering something they did for real and only, as they love to prompt, remember it "as a dream"? I wouldn't have anything to do with those two people in real life. I wouldn't choose a scenario as that. I do remember, and always have, refusing to be King in real life. In grade six, at age 11. We studied the Medieval period, as much as 11 year olds could grasp. We learned there were Kings, knights and serfs. The teacher asked the class, "Who here could be King?" Eventually she pointed to me and said, or asked me, that I should be King. I said no, I'd rather be a serf.
She was surprised and we went through the why not? I said I didn't want to be in charge. And that lead to the "avoiding responsibility" lecture, etc. Then she asked, and I'm paraphrasing after 40 years, "Who wants to be King?" Some other kid said he would. Then she went on with the "Does everyone see the difference? The one who could be King doesn't want to and the one who..." In effect, she was saying that the other kid was only capable of serfdom. I was embarassed. I felt sorry for the other kid even at the time. In effect she called him dumb.
That's one version of role playing/scripting I have. Very different from yours, I would say, since you are in charge of the scripting to some extent and I am not. I'm just there as a prop or a "what would you do" sort of test or harassment. Mostly just harassment to me. They also have the scripting/role playing regarding the future.
I was thinking that eventually I would move into a trailer and live alone. So again, as a dream, I'm walking through a mobile home, as if I were looking to move there, and then some guy said, "This is your bathroom." I looked and it was F___ , the guy from the "let's crown the fool king with a cardboard crown" incident described above. I looked and thought, "Knock it off. I know what you're doing. If I do move into a trailer, the thought of you will be here, and I won't have it." The voices have always wanted me to accept them as "guidance." Well, with the guides they want me to follow, they only want to guide me into future failure.
This is why I'm so adamant about giving any of these voices or imaginings any credibility at all. Guided by people whom I don't like. Guided in playing out psychodramas with no sort of "debriefing period" and remembered later. Guided in playing out the future. Well, it aint therapy and mostly what they do is harassment and the general "you can't be yourself." I remember that woman saying to me once, when I wanted to get away from her and what they do, "You never going to get out of here until you change your mind."
You mentioned doubt. Doubt and skepticism is fine and necessary in the intellectual, learning realm. But when it comes to your life, and what you know for real, what happened to you and when, there is no room for doubt. Like I said before, the voices will tell you this or that happened when you know it never did, and they'll tell you that you're really this or that. If it's true, it's true, and if it aint, it aint, and there's nothing they can say to make it true.
Last night I noticed another intrusive thought triggered by a word I heard. I was listening to a talk show on the radio as I was driving around delivering. I was hearing their usual "screw up while working" diatribes and I half heard some guy on the radio say "....study-- **I WAS STUDYING MAGIC IN COLLEGE** -- ...studying blah blah." And I thought, "There's one (intrusive thought)" The intrusive thought is in capitalized in the quote above. It was in a woman's voice. I thought of the Harry Potter kind of magic, not the Houdini stuff. I just thought, "What? Am I supposed to repeat that out loud somewhere to sound like a fool?" There wasn't an answer to that. I just brush it off.
I just wanted to tell you how scripting/role playing goes on with me. I don't think of them as any valid thoughts of mine because I never choose the subject. I'm just there in the middle of it. It's been a tactic of "theirs" for a long time. A tired and played out (pun intended) harassment technique of theirs.
It is now 9:48 pm EDT.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
ANOTHER POST FROM A FORUM
MARCH 15, 2012 6:49PM EDT
QUESTION:
A member of the forum asked how comfortable people who chat in the forums feel about it: scared because it may feel forced onto them, is there a vulnerability factor, is being unknown make it easier?
I feel very comfortable sharing my life with the sz here because where else can I find people with the same experiences? And some of them are almost exactly my symptoms. It's different here than discussion or one on one talks, because you can chose to read about the topics you want to read about and when you want. And it doesn't take long before you've read a very wide range of topics.
You mentioned that maybe real life forces us to come here. If you mean in the sense that there are limited ways to get help and those ways might not suit everyone, so people come here-- I'd say that I don't feel forced at all. But, I have blogged about my real life for over a year. I started that because of not being able to go out and talk to people face to face. And, on the chance that I freak out real bad, my blog is the first place with my history to start any therapy. I grew up around a lot of abusive people who chose to harass their children into telling lies about real life events.
So, I started blogging the truth. I'm not going to be in the position of needing help someday and the only people who will control what help is given are the people who started the problems in the first place. I have nothing to do with those abusive people nowadays, but I'll be damned if they are going to come around and tell any professional help their versions of the "truth" or have the last word on what my life was and is now.
I finished most of my blog. There's just a few important things left to say there. If a subject comes up here in the forum that fits my situation, I'll write about it on my blog. When I slowed down on the blogging, I thought, "What now? Go back to lying in bed, listening to the non stop harassment for hours?" It goes on, but I'm not lying down. So, I came here. To me, it would've seemed like a step backward to stop telling?saying? what is going on with me.
**A voice just said, "I don't need you blogging." That's the one that says she's my real conscience or she wants me to accept her as a guide. I don't accept them as anything but harassment. If there's such a thing as the Voice's Court she should be tried for failing so many times and be dealt with accordingly. And no, I'm not going to start a Voice's Court. Ha.**
The vulnerability factor for me is very low. I have nothing to lose. As for anonymity on the Internet, I have a cousin who has the same name as I do. It's an uncommon name and I don't want anyone to confuse him with me. Sometimes, after a death threat from a voice, I think, "Well make sure you got the right person. I'd hate for you to mistake him for me."
If you mean that telling about myself (or telling on myself, as the case may be) is easier to do because no one would know who I am, I really don't care much about it because I've already blogged about it
QUESTION:
A member of the forum asked how comfortable people who chat in the forums feel about it: scared because it may feel forced onto them, is there a vulnerability factor, is being unknown make it easier?
I feel very comfortable sharing my life with the sz here because where else can I find people with the same experiences? And some of them are almost exactly my symptoms. It's different here than discussion or one on one talks, because you can chose to read about the topics you want to read about and when you want. And it doesn't take long before you've read a very wide range of topics.
You mentioned that maybe real life forces us to come here. If you mean in the sense that there are limited ways to get help and those ways might not suit everyone, so people come here-- I'd say that I don't feel forced at all. But, I have blogged about my real life for over a year. I started that because of not being able to go out and talk to people face to face. And, on the chance that I freak out real bad, my blog is the first place with my history to start any therapy. I grew up around a lot of abusive people who chose to harass their children into telling lies about real life events.
So, I started blogging the truth. I'm not going to be in the position of needing help someday and the only people who will control what help is given are the people who started the problems in the first place. I have nothing to do with those abusive people nowadays, but I'll be damned if they are going to come around and tell any professional help their versions of the "truth" or have the last word on what my life was and is now.
I finished most of my blog. There's just a few important things left to say there. If a subject comes up here in the forum that fits my situation, I'll write about it on my blog. When I slowed down on the blogging, I thought, "What now? Go back to lying in bed, listening to the non stop harassment for hours?" It goes on, but I'm not lying down. So, I came here. To me, it would've seemed like a step backward to stop telling?saying? what is going on with me.
**A voice just said, "I don't need you blogging." That's the one that says she's my real conscience or she wants me to accept her as a guide. I don't accept them as anything but harassment. If there's such a thing as the Voice's Court she should be tried for failing so many times and be dealt with accordingly. And no, I'm not going to start a Voice's Court. Ha.**
The vulnerability factor for me is very low. I have nothing to lose. As for anonymity on the Internet, I have a cousin who has the same name as I do. It's an uncommon name and I don't want anyone to confuse him with me. Sometimes, after a death threat from a voice, I think, "Well make sure you got the right person. I'd hate for you to mistake him for me."
If you mean that telling about myself (or telling on myself, as the case may be) is easier to do because no one would know who I am, I really don't care much about it because I've already blogged about it
POSTS FROM A FORUM
MARCH 15, 2012 3:14PM EDT
QUESTION:
I ask my daughter this who has been within psychosis for a few years now and she can't answer.. she just said one it was like one day she awoke and a whole new reality was revealed to her and she felt in immense control for a little while... but then it started becoming dark and overwhelming and the next thing she knows she was flying under a bench in the middle of public from the sound of helicopter blades, shouting to be left alone or trashing her room for cameras and devices trying to escape from the voices in her head, she just says for a little while its bearable but quickly goes beyond her control like nothing she ever experiences, but even in clear mind she cannot answer as to when it directly started.
I find this interesting really and I was just curious if any of you could answer specifically how it started for you or if similarly its just a blur to you?
On other news for me, im very pleased that my daughter is finally (3 years late though, which I feel is criminal as she could have been treated and not have such residual and chronic affect from it all but its better late than never) she is being formally assessed for schizophrenia so with any luck it will be the start of proper and effective treatment to get her stable again. I am so glad that after 4 psychiatrists the one she is under now actually listened and is getting her sorted its a shame she's leaving I think it will throw my daughter as its the one doctor she has grown any repore with, I just hope the one taking her on will be just as patient and considerate. Sorry I felt the need to tell someone at my relief this is finally happening, me and my daughter are a team and there is no point in me talking to my family about it so I hope you don't mind me telling you, I hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves, my thoughts go out to you all.
MY RESPONSE:
Hello,
Sorry your daughter and you were having a hard time. It's never easy for anyone. Looking back, after 27 years, it started for me Oct 1984. I found myself standing at the foot of my grandmother's hospital bed and there were three friends of my parents standing by the bed looking at me. I wondered, "How did I get here and what are those people doing here?" I could not tolerate those people in real life (not my grandmother, those others). At the time, I knew it was different than normal dreaming, but I chalked it up as a dream.
By spring 1985, when I was 25, I had consistent symptoms. Hearing people outside my bedroom door talking to me, a little paranoia, the voices, etc. I had a bad episode in Aug 1985 which I consider to be the total takeover of my life by the sz, since it was the worst episode I've had, even to this day. I was diagnosed in April 1986, by the Navy. I had enlisted, went to induction, had a severe episode, was discharged. The strange thing about that is that I have my enlistment documents, but I don't have any discharge papers or medical reports in my possession (I'm in the process, just now, tracking down who has the copies that I should have). I just chalked that one up to another failure and went on with my life.
So, I guess the sz came on, from warning signs to full blown sz, in less than a year. It may seem like it came on from one day to the next, but there probably were indications before that, but I'm only guessing. I've read on this forum that onset for other people took anywhere from a few months to 2 years. It's different for everybody. As long as I've had this, it is still intolerable, especially when real life people go out of their way to exacerbate the condition (and some people do). But, I get by.
The only advice that I would have for you and/or your daughter is to be discriminating with who you tell. Especially if you are uncertain of a plan of action yourself. If someone doesn't need to know, then don't let them know
ANOTHER POST
Quote from a poster:
"...I feel that I am connecting with people from my past and when I do they attempt to have a normal conversation with me, but my mind has been through so much trauma I attack them and cut the connection off or try to by repeating the same words over and over until they would be annoyed enough to leave. I can't go anywhere because of this. It is a horrible existence."
MY RESPONSE:
I know what you mean by this. The voices I have are abusive people from my past (who I don't have anything to do with in decades in real life). The voices just keep lying about themselves, get me to respond and take my responses and use them to "prove" that I am agreeing with them. Or try to change me into something I'm not, or get me to believer that I am getting special therapy through their voices in order for me to be competent. And on and on. I argue back, call them names, do anything but agree with them. I like to think, "Hey, I'm only thinking. I can think anything I want."
I'm not one for telepathy, but I did try to figure out how any real people got me to start thinking this way. I always figured that they were taking me out of the house while I was sleeping, taking me to somebody's house where they generally mentally abused me, played psychodramas with me, "woke up" problems and had them analyzed by quack pdocs, and scheduled my real waking hours with "then you do that and then you do that," create new associations with words or actions, and play out fake "personalities" or imitations of people they'll pass off as the "real me," and also put on post hypnotic suggestions. Then, they'd take me back home and tell me to just remember all they did "as a dream," "you're only dreamng."
I've had the sz for 27 years, so they've had enough time to load me up with a lot of their nonsense. I put in security cameras about a year and a half ago, and no one is taking me out of the house or coming in without being recorded. But the mental harassment by the voices continues, and like you said, it is a horrible existence
QUESTION:
I ask my daughter this who has been within psychosis for a few years now and she can't answer.. she just said one it was like one day she awoke and a whole new reality was revealed to her and she felt in immense control for a little while... but then it started becoming dark and overwhelming and the next thing she knows she was flying under a bench in the middle of public from the sound of helicopter blades, shouting to be left alone or trashing her room for cameras and devices trying to escape from the voices in her head, she just says for a little while its bearable but quickly goes beyond her control like nothing she ever experiences, but even in clear mind she cannot answer as to when it directly started.
I find this interesting really and I was just curious if any of you could answer specifically how it started for you or if similarly its just a blur to you?
On other news for me, im very pleased that my daughter is finally (3 years late though, which I feel is criminal as she could have been treated and not have such residual and chronic affect from it all but its better late than never) she is being formally assessed for schizophrenia so with any luck it will be the start of proper and effective treatment to get her stable again. I am so glad that after 4 psychiatrists the one she is under now actually listened and is getting her sorted its a shame she's leaving I think it will throw my daughter as its the one doctor she has grown any repore with, I just hope the one taking her on will be just as patient and considerate. Sorry I felt the need to tell someone at my relief this is finally happening, me and my daughter are a team and there is no point in me talking to my family about it so I hope you don't mind me telling you, I hope you are all well and taking care of yourselves, my thoughts go out to you all.
MY RESPONSE:
Hello,
Sorry your daughter and you were having a hard time. It's never easy for anyone. Looking back, after 27 years, it started for me Oct 1984. I found myself standing at the foot of my grandmother's hospital bed and there were three friends of my parents standing by the bed looking at me. I wondered, "How did I get here and what are those people doing here?" I could not tolerate those people in real life (not my grandmother, those others). At the time, I knew it was different than normal dreaming, but I chalked it up as a dream.
By spring 1985, when I was 25, I had consistent symptoms. Hearing people outside my bedroom door talking to me, a little paranoia, the voices, etc. I had a bad episode in Aug 1985 which I consider to be the total takeover of my life by the sz, since it was the worst episode I've had, even to this day. I was diagnosed in April 1986, by the Navy. I had enlisted, went to induction, had a severe episode, was discharged. The strange thing about that is that I have my enlistment documents, but I don't have any discharge papers or medical reports in my possession (I'm in the process, just now, tracking down who has the copies that I should have). I just chalked that one up to another failure and went on with my life.
So, I guess the sz came on, from warning signs to full blown sz, in less than a year. It may seem like it came on from one day to the next, but there probably were indications before that, but I'm only guessing. I've read on this forum that onset for other people took anywhere from a few months to 2 years. It's different for everybody. As long as I've had this, it is still intolerable, especially when real life people go out of their way to exacerbate the condition (and some people do). But, I get by.
The only advice that I would have for you and/or your daughter is to be discriminating with who you tell. Especially if you are uncertain of a plan of action yourself. If someone doesn't need to know, then don't let them know
ANOTHER POST
Quote from a poster:
"...I feel that I am connecting with people from my past and when I do they attempt to have a normal conversation with me, but my mind has been through so much trauma I attack them and cut the connection off or try to by repeating the same words over and over until they would be annoyed enough to leave. I can't go anywhere because of this. It is a horrible existence."
MY RESPONSE:
I know what you mean by this. The voices I have are abusive people from my past (who I don't have anything to do with in decades in real life). The voices just keep lying about themselves, get me to respond and take my responses and use them to "prove" that I am agreeing with them. Or try to change me into something I'm not, or get me to believer that I am getting special therapy through their voices in order for me to be competent. And on and on. I argue back, call them names, do anything but agree with them. I like to think, "Hey, I'm only thinking. I can think anything I want."
I'm not one for telepathy, but I did try to figure out how any real people got me to start thinking this way. I always figured that they were taking me out of the house while I was sleeping, taking me to somebody's house where they generally mentally abused me, played psychodramas with me, "woke up" problems and had them analyzed by quack pdocs, and scheduled my real waking hours with "then you do that and then you do that," create new associations with words or actions, and play out fake "personalities" or imitations of people they'll pass off as the "real me," and also put on post hypnotic suggestions. Then, they'd take me back home and tell me to just remember all they did "as a dream," "you're only dreamng."
I've had the sz for 27 years, so they've had enough time to load me up with a lot of their nonsense. I put in security cameras about a year and a half ago, and no one is taking me out of the house or coming in without being recorded. But the mental harassment by the voices continues, and like you said, it is a horrible existence
Sunday, March 11, 2012
MARCH 11, 2012
I'm trying to get to sleep, but the voices keep screaming at me about going on forums and writing out how I live and reporting on what I think. So, I come here.
A negative hallucination is when you don't see something that is there in reality. I've had them. Back in 1985 when the sz was getting bad, I used to see, or hallucinate this one guy. I called him Fatso. A short, squat guy, beard, bandana, etc. Anyway, I was in my bedroom and went into the bathroom, came out and went to the mirror in my room. That guy said, or I just looked without him saying so, but there I was in front of the mirror. I couldn't see a reflection.
This is what it looks like. You see an outline of the person, in this case. You can discern the stature of the person. But where that person should be is a distorted view that your brain makes up because it tries to fill in the blank with what it almost knows should be there. And the things in the outline are shimmering, like you are seeing something through a piece of glass with a sheet of water running down it. And as the person moves, you can follow the outline as it moves in front of you. Basically, the person is cut out of your reality and filled in with a distorted, but similar, image of the general surroundings.
So, I looked in the mirror and couldn't see me. I stretched out an arm and waved it up and down. I laughed and the guy, who was behind me, but not in sight of the mirror, laughed, too. I said to the guy, "Ha.I'm a vampire. Cool trick." I was not a vampire and didn't believe it. I wasn't scared because I knew what it was right off the bat when I noticed it.
In 1985, I had already endured a lot of symptoms that I have now. I kept trying to look for some way to calm down, remember stuff, and just in general tried to stop feeling bad. The local newspaper had a story on hypnosis. I thought it was interesting and bought a book about it. A basic book, with what it is, how it's done, etc. The two things that I picked up on first was that the subconscious is literal. It takes things literally. The other thing was about post hypnotic suggestions, how long they last, etc. And self hypnosis.
So, negative hallucinations were mentioned in this little book (the basic information on hypmosis isn't much reading) didn't describe what people not-see, but it was just a mention in the context of those stage hypnotists. Stage hypnotists make people pretend to see things and react to them, and even make people temporarily forget their name. And the opposite is true, you can be made to not-see things that are there.
I see myself in the mirror now, of course, with no problem. Another event about mirrors that I should mention is in real life as a teen (8 or 9 years before the sz) I had lost about 60 pounds in a short period of time. I was at the store, turned into an aisle, and sort of jumped. There was a person in front of me, I almost ran into him. Then I looked and it took a few seconds for me to realize that I was looking at myself. I had turned into the aisle where the mirrors were and had almost walked into a full length mirror. That was the first time I had seen myself full length after losing all that weight, and yes, it could only happen to me, as the saying goes, I literally did not recognize myself. It was funny.
Another negative hallucination was about the same time in 1985. I was sitting at home on the couch. Not doing anything. There were relatives in the house--almost the last time we have all been together, really. So I'm sitting there and the vase with flowers on the stereo console on the other side of the room moved by itself from one side to the other. A relative came out of the kitchen and pointed to the stereo and said, "Did you see that? It's a spirit (or ghost)." I was totally unimpressed. I said, "No. Somebody I can't see pushed it." And I looked and found the outline of the person, a large person, and pointed it out and followed it as it walked towards the next room. Nothing scary. The relative that said it was a ghost went back to the kitchen and I heard her say, "See. I told you he wasn't going to fall for it." Or something along those lines, they (people in the kitchen) were just not too happy that I didn't fall for the spirits thingie.
A negative hallucination induced by another real live person? Absolutely yes. She pointed out the vase had moved. Evidently we both saw it, she's not sz as far as I know. It was just a head game played on me by people. When I was said it was somebody that was just a not-see (as I call them) and couldn't have cared less, nothing was said about it. That's the way it always was back then.In 1985 I had already been through about six months or so of hearing a lot of, "It's just in your head." So, by then I didn't ask for any explanations and they weren't giving me any.
I hesitated to bring up negative hallucinations because that's a very serious symptom. It is really harsh. I knew of them from reading about them, and induced twice. The vampire thing with that guy, Fatso, and the vase thing with a real participant, a relative. But, if it happens to someone who has never heard of them, then they could get frightened.
However, you have to see something first and told by someone to not see it. Your brain has to recognize the thing you're told not to see to blank it out and fill in the blank with a distorted view of the general surroundings. It is that way in my case--induced by a real person. But, if someone experienced a severe trauma, I think the brain could blank out some object as a means of self defense. It wants to spare the victim from having to deal with it. I have wondered about how the trauma induced negative hallucination could ever be solved if the trauma victim doesn't realize what it is they don't see, and even if they could notice the distorted view right in front of them.
I did do some self hypnosis and it is different from sleep or even just meditation. I've done things like just start thinking about something and let it go on its own. Like taking tour through my aunt's house, where they lived 40 years ago. I just started at the driveway and remembered the lawn, things that happened on the lawn, the driveway with the tall trees lining it, the porch and things that happened there, through each room of the house and what furniture, what pictures and on and on. I've maintained this for.. I think two hours is the longest time I can recall. It's an interesting trick.
I just let it run and it really calls up memories. Sometimes I'll want to remember more information about something and I'll start and then the part I want to know is recalled and even if that's all I wanted to know, I find that the timeline keeps running in the background for a while. I do not hear any voices as it happens, but I can recall conversations. I can distinctly tell that it is different from the voices that run 24/7. The voices I have are separated into right and left side. I've read on here that it is the same for others, too. The recall happens directly in the middle of my head. Images with my eyes closed and the sounds of the recollection comes from the center of my head.
I have the voices with constant interrogation going on, and one time I told them that we've been through this before and I'm going to put myself under and ignore you. They said that I couldn't do it, because I need them, etc. and I told them they're not doing me any good anyway, you're just setting me up is what it sounds like to me, etc. So, I just laid back and started. I thought for years about the doctors office I was in. I always remembered some guy, a pdoc that I didn't know, telling me to look to my right, look to my left, and then look straight ahead. Then some skinny woman in black walks between us saying, "He'll never figure it out."
So, I went back, told myself to start at a place five minutes before the doctor told me to look right, left, straight ahead. I wanted to see if there was anything else I could remember about that. And I did. When it came to the part that he said look to the right, I did a triple take, not just looking once as I had always remembered it, and I saw the face of a woman with garish makeup blowing me a kiss. I looked to the right, and I felt like one of my sisters. That was weird. I looked straight ahead. The woman walked by with the wallet like thing she clapped closed and said her usual line, He'll never figure it out. Then another new thing was the doctor, or whatever he was, pointed at the same time at either side of me and said, "See. It's the same thing." Don't know and don't really care what that means. The left right straight ahead thing, I used to think it meant past(left) and future(right) and straight ahead was now.
A negative hallucination is when you don't see something that is there in reality. I've had them. Back in 1985 when the sz was getting bad, I used to see, or hallucinate this one guy. I called him Fatso. A short, squat guy, beard, bandana, etc. Anyway, I was in my bedroom and went into the bathroom, came out and went to the mirror in my room. That guy said, or I just looked without him saying so, but there I was in front of the mirror. I couldn't see a reflection.
This is what it looks like. You see an outline of the person, in this case. You can discern the stature of the person. But where that person should be is a distorted view that your brain makes up because it tries to fill in the blank with what it almost knows should be there. And the things in the outline are shimmering, like you are seeing something through a piece of glass with a sheet of water running down it. And as the person moves, you can follow the outline as it moves in front of you. Basically, the person is cut out of your reality and filled in with a distorted, but similar, image of the general surroundings.
So, I looked in the mirror and couldn't see me. I stretched out an arm and waved it up and down. I laughed and the guy, who was behind me, but not in sight of the mirror, laughed, too. I said to the guy, "Ha.I'm a vampire. Cool trick." I was not a vampire and didn't believe it. I wasn't scared because I knew what it was right off the bat when I noticed it.
In 1985, I had already endured a lot of symptoms that I have now. I kept trying to look for some way to calm down, remember stuff, and just in general tried to stop feeling bad. The local newspaper had a story on hypnosis. I thought it was interesting and bought a book about it. A basic book, with what it is, how it's done, etc. The two things that I picked up on first was that the subconscious is literal. It takes things literally. The other thing was about post hypnotic suggestions, how long they last, etc. And self hypnosis.
So, negative hallucinations were mentioned in this little book (the basic information on hypmosis isn't much reading) didn't describe what people not-see, but it was just a mention in the context of those stage hypnotists. Stage hypnotists make people pretend to see things and react to them, and even make people temporarily forget their name. And the opposite is true, you can be made to not-see things that are there.
I see myself in the mirror now, of course, with no problem. Another event about mirrors that I should mention is in real life as a teen (8 or 9 years before the sz) I had lost about 60 pounds in a short period of time. I was at the store, turned into an aisle, and sort of jumped. There was a person in front of me, I almost ran into him. Then I looked and it took a few seconds for me to realize that I was looking at myself. I had turned into the aisle where the mirrors were and had almost walked into a full length mirror. That was the first time I had seen myself full length after losing all that weight, and yes, it could only happen to me, as the saying goes, I literally did not recognize myself. It was funny.
Another negative hallucination was about the same time in 1985. I was sitting at home on the couch. Not doing anything. There were relatives in the house--almost the last time we have all been together, really. So I'm sitting there and the vase with flowers on the stereo console on the other side of the room moved by itself from one side to the other. A relative came out of the kitchen and pointed to the stereo and said, "Did you see that? It's a spirit (or ghost)." I was totally unimpressed. I said, "No. Somebody I can't see pushed it." And I looked and found the outline of the person, a large person, and pointed it out and followed it as it walked towards the next room. Nothing scary. The relative that said it was a ghost went back to the kitchen and I heard her say, "See. I told you he wasn't going to fall for it." Or something along those lines, they (people in the kitchen) were just not too happy that I didn't fall for the spirits thingie.
A negative hallucination induced by another real live person? Absolutely yes. She pointed out the vase had moved. Evidently we both saw it, she's not sz as far as I know. It was just a head game played on me by people. When I was said it was somebody that was just a not-see (as I call them) and couldn't have cared less, nothing was said about it. That's the way it always was back then.In 1985 I had already been through about six months or so of hearing a lot of, "It's just in your head." So, by then I didn't ask for any explanations and they weren't giving me any.
I hesitated to bring up negative hallucinations because that's a very serious symptom. It is really harsh. I knew of them from reading about them, and induced twice. The vampire thing with that guy, Fatso, and the vase thing with a real participant, a relative. But, if it happens to someone who has never heard of them, then they could get frightened.
However, you have to see something first and told by someone to not see it. Your brain has to recognize the thing you're told not to see to blank it out and fill in the blank with a distorted view of the general surroundings. It is that way in my case--induced by a real person. But, if someone experienced a severe trauma, I think the brain could blank out some object as a means of self defense. It wants to spare the victim from having to deal with it. I have wondered about how the trauma induced negative hallucination could ever be solved if the trauma victim doesn't realize what it is they don't see, and even if they could notice the distorted view right in front of them.
I did do some self hypnosis and it is different from sleep or even just meditation. I've done things like just start thinking about something and let it go on its own. Like taking tour through my aunt's house, where they lived 40 years ago. I just started at the driveway and remembered the lawn, things that happened on the lawn, the driveway with the tall trees lining it, the porch and things that happened there, through each room of the house and what furniture, what pictures and on and on. I've maintained this for.. I think two hours is the longest time I can recall. It's an interesting trick.
I just let it run and it really calls up memories. Sometimes I'll want to remember more information about something and I'll start and then the part I want to know is recalled and even if that's all I wanted to know, I find that the timeline keeps running in the background for a while. I do not hear any voices as it happens, but I can recall conversations. I can distinctly tell that it is different from the voices that run 24/7. The voices I have are separated into right and left side. I've read on here that it is the same for others, too. The recall happens directly in the middle of my head. Images with my eyes closed and the sounds of the recollection comes from the center of my head.
I have the voices with constant interrogation going on, and one time I told them that we've been through this before and I'm going to put myself under and ignore you. They said that I couldn't do it, because I need them, etc. and I told them they're not doing me any good anyway, you're just setting me up is what it sounds like to me, etc. So, I just laid back and started. I thought for years about the doctors office I was in. I always remembered some guy, a pdoc that I didn't know, telling me to look to my right, look to my left, and then look straight ahead. Then some skinny woman in black walks between us saying, "He'll never figure it out."
So, I went back, told myself to start at a place five minutes before the doctor told me to look right, left, straight ahead. I wanted to see if there was anything else I could remember about that. And I did. When it came to the part that he said look to the right, I did a triple take, not just looking once as I had always remembered it, and I saw the face of a woman with garish makeup blowing me a kiss. I looked to the right, and I felt like one of my sisters. That was weird. I looked straight ahead. The woman walked by with the wallet like thing she clapped closed and said her usual line, He'll never figure it out. Then another new thing was the doctor, or whatever he was, pointed at the same time at either side of me and said, "See. It's the same thing." Don't know and don't really care what that means. The left right straight ahead thing, I used to think it meant past(left) and future(right) and straight ahead was now.
March 11, 2012
March 11, 2012 12:34 pm EDT
Here is something that I posted on a forum.
From: Berm
Sent: Mar 9, 2012 7:21 PM
Hi. I've never pm'd anyone, but I don't feel like leaving this hanging and I don't really want to put too many details out there. In 1986, about a year after the onset of sz, I signed up for the Navy, was accepted and waited a few months until I was to report for induction. I was told they called me and to go to the local recruiting station and then taken to an induction center. Relatives dropped me off and tore out of the parking lot with squealing tires. I went inside and they told me I was a day early, but they'd take me to the induction center anyway. I got there, and in short, I had an episode, they inducted me anyway, dragged me off somewhere, shot me up with something and I just had the worst time in my life, but I was alone in some room, except for a brief period of time in a bathroom, in front of a mirror, with some guy next to me who put a gun in my hand, took my hand and pointed it to my head, told me to look in the mirror in front of me and screamed, "Is that what you want?" I said no, but after I dropped my arm he did the same thing over again at least twice. Then I remember being in front of a psychiatrist, written up as paranoid sz--the guy showed me the page and all I got to read was "paranoid sz." Then there were some women with the doctor, who never showed his face and kept his head down. They made me read some fill in the blank statements with the blanks already filled in. Things like, "Sometimes I get so angry I could _____." When I realized the rest of the sentence was,"..kill someone." I stopped and told them, "No. these are not my thoughts." Some woman said, "See. He knows the difference." Then some stupid statements like "I'm so hungry I could eat a _____." Horse.
Then in another room with someone trying to teach me how to tell time. He or she pointed to a clock on the wall. And I couldn't tell time and was told to get out of there.
In another room then with some woman. I only saw her hands. She pointed to the top of the page and asked me if that was the date and time. I said I didn't know, so she showed me her watch and said "Well, look." She pointed to a line on the page that said "No waiver of rights to an investigation." She told me to check the box. I said I didn't want to, "is it in my best interest?" She said it was. Then I was home. Someone asked me why I was back, I said it was because my eyes were too bad. Funny thing is, I didn't remember some of the above stuff at that time.
My sister said that the military called my mom and told her that I was dead. I'm pretty sure she mentioned suicide when she told me that, but I really don't know.
The guy who signed me up called me at home and asked what happened, and I said I was sorry, but... The phone call just faded away.
So, the situation is, I have a complete set of sign up documents, but absolutely nothing about any discharge papers until last week.
I filled out a Freedom of Information Act form for my records, just so I have them. The whole thing's been a non issue since then. No one mentions it. Except for some abusive friend of my mom's who said something like, "Oh. I thought you would chicken out of coming over (to her house)." I've hardly seen any of my relatives since that time.
And in the mail I got copies of my sign up forms and three pages about discharge that I have never seen before. (The one that the lady showed me, as I describe above, is in what they sent me)The other two were discharge papers for ZAB-Medical Disqualification, but no specific reason. ZAB means for a condition that did not exist prior to service. I'm listed as a veteran. With two whole days.
So, to get the specifics of this medical reason for disqualification I have to get them from the VA hospital system. I mailed the request a few days ago.
Who has my exit papers? I don't know. I don't have them, my mom doesn't have them. They wouldn't send me home without my own copies. Somebody must have them.
As for the voices, they love to say things about chickening out, etc. When I thought of asking for the papers from the military, I had to listen to a long while of, "They are looking for you. You are AWOL." And so forth. But I'm not that stupid, if you fail for some reason, they write you up and you're out. They're not going to waste their time looking for an AWOL, especially since they called me when I got home. The military was really nice about it, by the way, and I don't and never did blame anything that happened on them.
Then the voices started with, "It wasn't you who signed up, somebody else did." As if some other "personality" signed up and I'm supposed to act like I never knew about it. I don't think multiple personality disorder is valid in any case, by the way. And, according to the voices, if I don't act like a split personality, they will come and arrest me for defrauding the government. They even told me once that I should burn original sign up papers that I've always had. Fat chance. They know where I'm at and, again, they wouldn't waste their time.
Anyway, that's the way it stands. I know doctors don't like to give people their medical reports because they're afraid of lawyers and malpractice, etc. But I'm asking for a psychiatric report, 26 years old, and most likely done by the military since I was inducted then discharged two days later. It won't be hard to get and I just wonder how detailed it's going to be.
I know, this is very odd. You can email this to anyone who might have heard of anything remotely like this or to anyone who might be interested.
Thanks for reading this, I know it's long, and so much for not wanting to give out too many details. But I've put this on my blog anyway so it doesn't matter.
Here is something that I posted on a forum.
From: Berm
Sent: Mar 9, 2012 7:21 PM
Hi. I've never pm'd anyone, but I don't feel like leaving this hanging and I don't really want to put too many details out there. In 1986, about a year after the onset of sz, I signed up for the Navy, was accepted and waited a few months until I was to report for induction. I was told they called me and to go to the local recruiting station and then taken to an induction center. Relatives dropped me off and tore out of the parking lot with squealing tires. I went inside and they told me I was a day early, but they'd take me to the induction center anyway. I got there, and in short, I had an episode, they inducted me anyway, dragged me off somewhere, shot me up with something and I just had the worst time in my life, but I was alone in some room, except for a brief period of time in a bathroom, in front of a mirror, with some guy next to me who put a gun in my hand, took my hand and pointed it to my head, told me to look in the mirror in front of me and screamed, "Is that what you want?" I said no, but after I dropped my arm he did the same thing over again at least twice. Then I remember being in front of a psychiatrist, written up as paranoid sz--the guy showed me the page and all I got to read was "paranoid sz." Then there were some women with the doctor, who never showed his face and kept his head down. They made me read some fill in the blank statements with the blanks already filled in. Things like, "Sometimes I get so angry I could _____." When I realized the rest of the sentence was,"..kill someone." I stopped and told them, "No. these are not my thoughts." Some woman said, "See. He knows the difference." Then some stupid statements like "I'm so hungry I could eat a _____." Horse.
Then in another room with someone trying to teach me how to tell time. He or she pointed to a clock on the wall. And I couldn't tell time and was told to get out of there.
In another room then with some woman. I only saw her hands. She pointed to the top of the page and asked me if that was the date and time. I said I didn't know, so she showed me her watch and said "Well, look." She pointed to a line on the page that said "No waiver of rights to an investigation." She told me to check the box. I said I didn't want to, "is it in my best interest?" She said it was. Then I was home. Someone asked me why I was back, I said it was because my eyes were too bad. Funny thing is, I didn't remember some of the above stuff at that time.
My sister said that the military called my mom and told her that I was dead. I'm pretty sure she mentioned suicide when she told me that, but I really don't know.
The guy who signed me up called me at home and asked what happened, and I said I was sorry, but... The phone call just faded away.
So, the situation is, I have a complete set of sign up documents, but absolutely nothing about any discharge papers until last week.
I filled out a Freedom of Information Act form for my records, just so I have them. The whole thing's been a non issue since then. No one mentions it. Except for some abusive friend of my mom's who said something like, "Oh. I thought you would chicken out of coming over (to her house)." I've hardly seen any of my relatives since that time.
And in the mail I got copies of my sign up forms and three pages about discharge that I have never seen before. (The one that the lady showed me, as I describe above, is in what they sent me)The other two were discharge papers for ZAB-Medical Disqualification, but no specific reason. ZAB means for a condition that did not exist prior to service. I'm listed as a veteran. With two whole days.
So, to get the specifics of this medical reason for disqualification I have to get them from the VA hospital system. I mailed the request a few days ago.
Who has my exit papers? I don't know. I don't have them, my mom doesn't have them. They wouldn't send me home without my own copies. Somebody must have them.
As for the voices, they love to say things about chickening out, etc. When I thought of asking for the papers from the military, I had to listen to a long while of, "They are looking for you. You are AWOL." And so forth. But I'm not that stupid, if you fail for some reason, they write you up and you're out. They're not going to waste their time looking for an AWOL, especially since they called me when I got home. The military was really nice about it, by the way, and I don't and never did blame anything that happened on them.
Then the voices started with, "It wasn't you who signed up, somebody else did." As if some other "personality" signed up and I'm supposed to act like I never knew about it. I don't think multiple personality disorder is valid in any case, by the way. And, according to the voices, if I don't act like a split personality, they will come and arrest me for defrauding the government. They even told me once that I should burn original sign up papers that I've always had. Fat chance. They know where I'm at and, again, they wouldn't waste their time.
Anyway, that's the way it stands. I know doctors don't like to give people their medical reports because they're afraid of lawyers and malpractice, etc. But I'm asking for a psychiatric report, 26 years old, and most likely done by the military since I was inducted then discharged two days later. It won't be hard to get and I just wonder how detailed it's going to be.
I know, this is very odd. You can email this to anyone who might have heard of anything remotely like this or to anyone who might be interested.
Thanks for reading this, I know it's long, and so much for not wanting to give out too many details. But I've put this on my blog anyway so it doesn't matter.
Monday, March 5, 2012
MARCH 5, 2012
March 5, 2012 8:36 am EST
Not much going on in real life. Still working overnight delivery and doing online work during the day. I've been busy in the forums for schizophrenics and it has helped. A lot of the people have the same symptoms that I do. From other people's posts on the site, there's a lot of different reactions and ways to handle the voices. Some consider them guides and they do what the voices tell them, others despise them and argue with them. I am, as you can guess, in the argue with them camp. One guy there even relates the voices to relatives and friends of his, as I do.
I got my paperwork from the Navy. It was a copies of my sign up papers and exit papers. I was more interested in the exit papers, since I didn't remember much about how it ended, except for that visit to X's house and she started the same crap that she's always done since I was seven. The exit papers had that I was inducted (it actually says "Veteran's name" on the papers), and taken somewhere (I remember this), and the reason for being rejected was medical. It was listed as ZAB--Medical Disqualification. I looked this up and it means that disqualified for a medical condition that did not exist prior to enlistment. The interesting part is where it says "did not exist" prior to signing up. I remember that sham doctor writing me up as paranoid schizophrenic.
There are two pages that are dated April 22, 1986 with statements about how I understand this and that, and boxes next to the statements with my initials in them. I've never seen these papers before, but it is my handwriting on them. I do remember sitting at a desk with some woman behind me and asking me, "Is this the date?" I said I didn't know. Then she told me to fill in the time. I said I didn't know what time it was. She showed me her watch and got irritated and said, "Well, look!" I wrote down the time. Then she skipped to the middle of the page and pointed to a line that said, "No waiver of rights to an investigation." She asked me if I knew what that meant. I said I didn't. She told me to initial (or mark) the box at the end of the statement. I hesitated and asked if it was in my best interest to do that. She said it was, told me to sign the bottom, and I signed. But immediately after I signed it, I realized she put another page after that in front of me and I think I signed two papers, once each time.
The copies I got in the mail had the two pages with my initials in boxes four times and my handwriting "No" four times and my written signature once on each page. I don't remember signing those. The final discharge papers are dated May 23, 1986.
These are copies of the originals. Where are the original papers. I would have gotten a copy of everything, but I don't have it. Whoever has the originals from 1986 is someone who needs my lawyer after them. They didn't send me a copy of any medical records. I have to ask for those from the VA system. I'll fill out the forms today.
So, as I imagine.
It's been almost quiet for a time, but getting a little more active the past few days. It's X and her two sisters mostly. It seems my sisters aren't cooperating. I haven't imagined anything or heard their voices lately. Now, as for X and her two sisters. I remember in October 1984, my grandmother was sick. She had been sick for a long time, about 15 years of the same thing. But she was dying. I never did go see her in the hospital, but I remember standing at the foot of a hospital bed and X and her two sisters standing around her bed, and looking at me. I thought, "Oh great. What the hell do I want from these assholes?"
I blew it off as a dream, but from all the later troubles, it was probably real that X dragged me out to the hospital while I was sleeping. This was around the time people started talking to me at home while I was sleeping.
You can read all about X, the rapist, in previous posts. I mentioned her sister OH once later, when I played "doctor" with her son, who was about the same age at the time, and got caught. OH freaked out, and X and her husband showed up to do their usual thing of "freak the kid out and make him wear a dress" and they gave me whiskey to drink and X's husband said that it was the neighbor lady who taught me that. I do remember, and I think it was a different day, that OH had some people over to her house. I was there and so was my mom. I wouldn't go near my mom no matter how much they tried. There was another lady there that now I think was X's other sister, MR.
MR showed up when I put security cameras up downstairs at the entrances so that if anyone came over, any one I can't see, they'd be on tape. The night before, I think I've posted about this before, I went to the bathroom, came out and there was a man taking things from one of the rooms upstairs (where I spend most of my time). I asked what he was doing, and he said they were there for a pick up. Then there was MR. She showed me a mirror and mentioned my name. Again, as almost always, I thought of my cousin with the same name. I saw myself with a beard. Just before this, she grabbed my face and said, "Who couldn't remember this face?" Really snotty. Then, she or someone mentioned my middle name, which is the same as one of X's sons and also the name of a homeless person who my mom talks to often. So, MR probably, or intentionally, got me to associate my name with other guys. Again.
I walked out of that room to go to my own room, and there was Fatso from McC's (see previous posts) walking into my parent's room. At the top of the stairs, MR was in front of me, and I saw a light at the bottom of the stairs. A small light, like someone took a picture. I didn't have any clothes on. I thought of this again months later, when X and her gang was trying to get me to crack, MR said to me, "They have a picture of you naked." I didn't care.
Anyway, I wasn't scared that MR and Fatso were there, but I walked down the steps to see what my mother was doing. Some dark figure passed me on the stairs, even though there isn't enough room for two people to pass by each other easily. It was a cop, or I was supposed to think it was. That's all I remember about that incident, other than MR was there to rewrite something about my parent's room. I'll explain this in my next post.
That incident was about two years ago. It must have been one of their final attempts at harassment. I do remember MR, years ago, standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I was sleeping, and she was screaming towards my parent's room, "See. That's what your son is." I turned to look at her, and someone was shining a light, like a flashlight, on me. MR pointed to the wall, told me, "That's ____"(X's son when he was at the age of about 4, as he was in the 1969 incident (see previous post). I saw a shadow on the wall that was X's son, FF, and I was doing what I did in 1969 and that was it. Just trouble making from X and her family.
So, lately it's been those three women, X and her sisters trying to cause me problems. OH was always passing herself off as some woman from the queer community that I can't stand. She's always pushing their agenda. I can't stand her. But OH has been one of the worst. I was going to masturbate and she comes along and starts the voices and says that I'm never going to enjoy sex. It's her revenge for having her son "ruined" by a ten year old kid. If she only knew that X, her sister, could have warned her about me, the little rapist, months before. But since X is a rapist herself, how much could she tell without her own crap coming out?
I'm very rude to these people, as they deserve. Like I say, "You want to know what I'm thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking. And if you don't like it, you can't do shit about it." The last time my mom talked to X in real life was about four months ago. X's brother, who might be Fatso, has some colon cancer and will die soon. So, when X and her relatives start me up, I go off, as usual. I told Fatso, or ass cancer guy as I now call him, that he's going to hell so he can hold the door to hell open for his crippled sister, X, when she gets there. They're getting their own treatment back at them that they give out, even if I'm only allowed to imagine it. In real life, though, when anybody mentions their names, I make it clear in no uncertain terms that I don't like these people at all.
Not much going on in real life. Still working overnight delivery and doing online work during the day. I've been busy in the forums for schizophrenics and it has helped. A lot of the people have the same symptoms that I do. From other people's posts on the site, there's a lot of different reactions and ways to handle the voices. Some consider them guides and they do what the voices tell them, others despise them and argue with them. I am, as you can guess, in the argue with them camp. One guy there even relates the voices to relatives and friends of his, as I do.
I got my paperwork from the Navy. It was a copies of my sign up papers and exit papers. I was more interested in the exit papers, since I didn't remember much about how it ended, except for that visit to X's house and she started the same crap that she's always done since I was seven. The exit papers had that I was inducted (it actually says "Veteran's name" on the papers), and taken somewhere (I remember this), and the reason for being rejected was medical. It was listed as ZAB--Medical Disqualification. I looked this up and it means that disqualified for a medical condition that did not exist prior to enlistment. The interesting part is where it says "did not exist" prior to signing up. I remember that sham doctor writing me up as paranoid schizophrenic.
There are two pages that are dated April 22, 1986 with statements about how I understand this and that, and boxes next to the statements with my initials in them. I've never seen these papers before, but it is my handwriting on them. I do remember sitting at a desk with some woman behind me and asking me, "Is this the date?" I said I didn't know. Then she told me to fill in the time. I said I didn't know what time it was. She showed me her watch and got irritated and said, "Well, look!" I wrote down the time. Then she skipped to the middle of the page and pointed to a line that said, "No waiver of rights to an investigation." She asked me if I knew what that meant. I said I didn't. She told me to initial (or mark) the box at the end of the statement. I hesitated and asked if it was in my best interest to do that. She said it was, told me to sign the bottom, and I signed. But immediately after I signed it, I realized she put another page after that in front of me and I think I signed two papers, once each time.
The copies I got in the mail had the two pages with my initials in boxes four times and my handwriting "No" four times and my written signature once on each page. I don't remember signing those. The final discharge papers are dated May 23, 1986.
These are copies of the originals. Where are the original papers. I would have gotten a copy of everything, but I don't have it. Whoever has the originals from 1986 is someone who needs my lawyer after them. They didn't send me a copy of any medical records. I have to ask for those from the VA system. I'll fill out the forms today.
So, as I imagine.
It's been almost quiet for a time, but getting a little more active the past few days. It's X and her two sisters mostly. It seems my sisters aren't cooperating. I haven't imagined anything or heard their voices lately. Now, as for X and her two sisters. I remember in October 1984, my grandmother was sick. She had been sick for a long time, about 15 years of the same thing. But she was dying. I never did go see her in the hospital, but I remember standing at the foot of a hospital bed and X and her two sisters standing around her bed, and looking at me. I thought, "Oh great. What the hell do I want from these assholes?"
I blew it off as a dream, but from all the later troubles, it was probably real that X dragged me out to the hospital while I was sleeping. This was around the time people started talking to me at home while I was sleeping.
You can read all about X, the rapist, in previous posts. I mentioned her sister OH once later, when I played "doctor" with her son, who was about the same age at the time, and got caught. OH freaked out, and X and her husband showed up to do their usual thing of "freak the kid out and make him wear a dress" and they gave me whiskey to drink and X's husband said that it was the neighbor lady who taught me that. I do remember, and I think it was a different day, that OH had some people over to her house. I was there and so was my mom. I wouldn't go near my mom no matter how much they tried. There was another lady there that now I think was X's other sister, MR.
MR showed up when I put security cameras up downstairs at the entrances so that if anyone came over, any one I can't see, they'd be on tape. The night before, I think I've posted about this before, I went to the bathroom, came out and there was a man taking things from one of the rooms upstairs (where I spend most of my time). I asked what he was doing, and he said they were there for a pick up. Then there was MR. She showed me a mirror and mentioned my name. Again, as almost always, I thought of my cousin with the same name. I saw myself with a beard. Just before this, she grabbed my face and said, "Who couldn't remember this face?" Really snotty. Then, she or someone mentioned my middle name, which is the same as one of X's sons and also the name of a homeless person who my mom talks to often. So, MR probably, or intentionally, got me to associate my name with other guys. Again.
I walked out of that room to go to my own room, and there was Fatso from McC's (see previous posts) walking into my parent's room. At the top of the stairs, MR was in front of me, and I saw a light at the bottom of the stairs. A small light, like someone took a picture. I didn't have any clothes on. I thought of this again months later, when X and her gang was trying to get me to crack, MR said to me, "They have a picture of you naked." I didn't care.
Anyway, I wasn't scared that MR and Fatso were there, but I walked down the steps to see what my mother was doing. Some dark figure passed me on the stairs, even though there isn't enough room for two people to pass by each other easily. It was a cop, or I was supposed to think it was. That's all I remember about that incident, other than MR was there to rewrite something about my parent's room. I'll explain this in my next post.
That incident was about two years ago. It must have been one of their final attempts at harassment. I do remember MR, years ago, standing in the doorway of my bedroom. I was sleeping, and she was screaming towards my parent's room, "See. That's what your son is." I turned to look at her, and someone was shining a light, like a flashlight, on me. MR pointed to the wall, told me, "That's ____"(X's son when he was at the age of about 4, as he was in the 1969 incident (see previous post). I saw a shadow on the wall that was X's son, FF, and I was doing what I did in 1969 and that was it. Just trouble making from X and her family.
So, lately it's been those three women, X and her sisters trying to cause me problems. OH was always passing herself off as some woman from the queer community that I can't stand. She's always pushing their agenda. I can't stand her. But OH has been one of the worst. I was going to masturbate and she comes along and starts the voices and says that I'm never going to enjoy sex. It's her revenge for having her son "ruined" by a ten year old kid. If she only knew that X, her sister, could have warned her about me, the little rapist, months before. But since X is a rapist herself, how much could she tell without her own crap coming out?
I'm very rude to these people, as they deserve. Like I say, "You want to know what I'm thinking? I'll tell you what I'm thinking. And if you don't like it, you can't do shit about it." The last time my mom talked to X in real life was about four months ago. X's brother, who might be Fatso, has some colon cancer and will die soon. So, when X and her relatives start me up, I go off, as usual. I told Fatso, or ass cancer guy as I now call him, that he's going to hell so he can hold the door to hell open for his crippled sister, X, when she gets there. They're getting their own treatment back at them that they give out, even if I'm only allowed to imagine it. In real life, though, when anybody mentions their names, I make it clear in no uncertain terms that I don't like these people at all.
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