November 21, 2011 10:10 pm EDT
Nothing much in real life, as usual. Woke up early, though.
As I imagine (or not):
The first thing that came up was that woman, the screaming Mimi who claims she's my conscience. Like I described before, she claimed she was my conscience, and I told her that having a woman read my thoughts back to me isn't going to make me think that I'm some female, so she's not my conscience, and she's not even ON my conscience. Some time ago, she told me to think of her as, and I'll use a different name than what she said, I'll say she told me to think of her as Min.
Now, I knew what she wanted. While I was working at the store in the summer of 1985, there were some murders and attacks in the area, which included some woman named Min. I related the following event only once, to AN, the woman who died a few weeks ago, in 1985:
I was working at the store alone, so it must have been sometime in the evening after everyone else, the butcher, etc, had gone. A woman came in and stood in front of me and I looked at her. After a few seconds, she said, "You can see me?" I didn't say anything, but shrugged my shoulders as, "Well, yeah." She was wearing a dress. Then she left, and, I think, she came back in. There was some guy there, but I didn't look at him, and he picked something out of the candy rack.
He held it in front of my face, and I couldn't see it (negative hallucination), and he knew that I couldn't see it because he waved it up and down, laughing because my eyes just followed it here and there. I knew someone must have sent him in there to harass me. I just kept my eyes forward, looking at the cash register, and asked him, "What is it?" "It's gum," he said. I think he asked me something like, "Can't you see it?" and laughed. I rang it up and asked for 35 cents. I'm pretty sure it was 35 cents because I held out my hand, not looking at him, and he dropped a quater and a dime in my hand saying, "Here's a quarter," pause, "and here's a dime." I put the money in the drawer and was glad that they were leaving. I could hear the girl laughing, too, and the guy mentioned it, saying something like, "She's laughing at you," or, "She's making fun of you." This is one of the earliest "let's use somebody to provoke him in public" events.
As they left, I half turned my head toward the door, and thought, "F**k her." I didn't think much of it because it was pretty usual for those things to happen, the talk of "haunting you, spirits, ghosts, etc." After the woman named Min was found dead, around the same time (I worked there from June to the end of Aug, 1985) I wondered if that was the same one. The one who was in the store, the "You can see me?" woman. I also remembered their exit a little differently, that as they were leaving, and the guy said she was making fun of me and added, "What should I do to her?", and I thought, "F**k her . . ." (as I initially remembered) and then my head jerked forward, I looked up at something I couldn't see (the gum?) and added, ". . .up." "What should I do to her?" he said. "F**k her . . . up."
So, what really happened? Woman in dress comes in and acts surprised that I can see her, immediately leaves, comes back in with guy I don't look at, buys gum that I can't see, and leaves after he asks what to do to her and I say to "f**k her. . . up." The not seeing dresses isn't new. See post about the first grade. It may not have been the dead woman, before she got killed of course, because she was killed by someone who had just met her, but it was about 3/4 mile away from the store. But certainly, they must have been tipped off that I wouldn't see her initially and I wouldn't see the gum, which happened. As far as I knew, it was a couple of people who were just doing the usual harassment, and I thought, "f**k her." Later, and not unusual that there was something additional to the event, I remembered it was "f**k her . . . up."
Months later, the following January, they caught the guy who killed the woman. I saw him on TV, and I couldn't say that it was the guy in the store that night because I didn't even attempt to look at him, but I did notice that he blinked in the light in a peculiar way while photographers were taking his picture. I do the same thing. I still wonder who tripped his trigger.
A few months ago, I was at work when somebody came up to me and said, "I don't know if you want to respond to this text message." The first thing I thought of was that finally someone's asking me if I want to read something instead of just sticking it in my face. I shook my head no, and looked away, but it didn't do any good. I saw the text and it was "C u later." Don't know who would be seeing me later, but it didn't have anything to do with my reaction, which was my eyes rolled up like some girl I worked with years ago used to do. That girls name was Min, also, and I thought of someone saying to me, "You need a new 'Min.'" Someone was trying to change my first association with "Min."
So, recently this woman comes around and said that she was my conscience, or on it, and said that I should think of her as Min. Same name as dead woman. She was trying to put me on a guilt trip, but where is the guilt trip if she has to explain to me who she wants me to think she is? It's nonexistent. How dumb is she to try to use something like that as a tactic on me to do . . . what? If she's just reading things someone gives her to read, and she doesn't know why, she's just clueless. She also mentioned before that I had confessed to something (I had, at McC, the store) and they need me to do it again. Not going to happen. In any event, I think she serves no purpose.
Incidentally, they're still trying to get me to believe in spirits and ghosts, etc. While X, I believe it is her, is around, she trys to get me to call her AN, so she can play her usual game that I am channeling dead people, and I have to believe that . . . or else.
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