FIGURED SOMETHING OUT

November 16, 2011 9:42 am EDT

Not much happening in real life yesterday. Got up for work really late this morning, at about 4:00 am. They didn't make a big deal about it at the warehouse, had my stuff ready to go and I did finish on time.

The past few days have been interesting. I keep thinking about putting this blog somewhere where local people can find it. I really hear a lot of threats and BS about it. They're really afraid that someone local might ask or leave a comment.

Two days ago, I was talking to someone in the parking lot at work. We talked a bit, and when it was time to go, she left first. I turned the key on my car to put the power window up. Now, just after the woman I was talking to left, and as I got into my car to put the window up, I imagined her saying to me, "You always wanted to be a teacher, right." I leave off the question mark in that quote because it sounded like a command.

The first thing I thought of was that it was another one of that guy's dumb interfering with people at work, like they always have been doing. And with the tone of voice, I took it to be them using somebody to create some answer to those words that they'll use later, like they always have been doing. Anyone who can read my mind knows that teaching would be the last thing in the world I would've want to be. Never was career minded. Decades ago, when people asked me what I wanted to be, I would say, "Older." Or, "Somebody else."

So, I went into the warehouse and got my stuff. I almost asked that woman with whom I was talking to outside if she had asked that question about being a teacher. I didn't since I had doubt that she did.

I listen to one of the overnight talk shows while I'm driving around doing my work. On the radio program for those few seconds, a man was talking about some camp (for kids?) and, "blah blah blah . . . teach . . . blah blah blah." Hmm. The only thing I can figure is that when I heard the word "teach" on the radio, I associated (psychobabbly term. Ha.) with the word and the imaging that she asked, more like told me that I wanted to be a teacher, came out.

Now, this kind of stuff has happened a lot the last 26 years, especially at stores. I go into the store, get waited on, and before I get outside, I "hear" the cashiers saying, I've never seen one look at me directly and say (or just mouth any words for me to lip read) "remember ______," or I've been trained by these so-called guides (criminal harassers, really) that the last word they say to me will trigger some imaging about what "really" went on in the store, or it's some "clue" that's supposed to remind me of something.


A long time ago, decades, I remember walking around and I imagined some people saying, "See that guy over there? He's the CIA and he's after you. It was an old man who passed by me several times. I imagined them telling me to burn with a cigarette. I didn't. Didn't believe he was in the CIA, it just sounded too preposterous.


They just want me to go off on some real person in public to get me in trouble. And I did in 1986. I was in a store and there was a woman working there that I have worked with before. I can't even remember what triggered something but I accused her of being somewhere, or did something somewhere, and she denied it. I started yelling at her that she was a liar. She said that she knew what she was talking about, and added, "What? Are you trying to make me doubt myself?"


I pointed to her and said, "Aha! That's what you are trying to do to me." And I kept yelling at her. Then, I saw a big light everywhere. It was like a camera flash bulb but everywhere around me. Then, it was like seeing myself standing there in that store, crying and literally looking like a one year old boy.


So, when that happened I thought (made associations) of the lights with the police. She wouldn't have had enough time to call the police, though. Who else would the cashier call? And as for a one year old, I thought of my nephew. Is that what happens to me in the light? I turn into that? Or, did someone take a picture of me and show it to me, like KS did at AN's house, and ask the ever popular question, "Who is this?" Or, "Who are you when you do this?" Making me associate with a picture has been done before (see the posts about McC, the store), and, also at McC, I associated (by accident) the light they shined on me with my sister, T.


There was another time when I saw myself in a big light. It was in 1999 shortly after I started at the job I still have. I was ready to leave, and looked over at a woman who was working there. I don't know if she called my name, or what, but I did look over that way. That time, the light lasted longer, it was more than a flash. It lasted long enough for me to take a few steps, and I realized I was acting like some girl I knew in grade school and had a cigarette. That girl started smoking right before I did and I thought I'd take up smoking, too. I did take up smoking. Now, that girl had relatives working there at the time, and outside the building, I heard someone say, "There's another thing you screwed up, _____." ( the blank is that girl's last name.)


Well, there's a few examples of how they try to make me go off at people in public. Or, just to make me look like a fool. These kinds of things, hopefully, shouldn't happen anymore. Ignoring those kinds of things as soon as they happen is the best thing to do. Even if they asked me something and I ignore them, they can always ask again. Most of the stuff people as me is pretty inane stuff. And if they're being "taught" to ask questions of some phony "alter personality" those harassers have created and trained/rehearsed/scheduled/timed, the answers are bound to be something really far fetched and I wouldn't recognize the answer as being my own. I don't even hear the questions or answers.