SPRING, 1994

November 6, 2011 12:17 pm EST

Nothing exceptional happening in real life. Just the usual go to work, go to the store, and go home. My sisters who live in this city have been coming over to clean out the house of a lot of old stuff. AN died November 2 at the age of 56. Don't know how. I hadn't seen or spoken to her since about 1996. Didn't feel much about it in any respect. One of her friends she had known since grade school died earlier this year. Weird.

X contrived some BS about it. They tried to concoct some big drama, trying to blame "my problems" on her death, but there's nothing in me that's upset about it. As usual, X can put some old imprint of mine and try to make it suit her purpose. X has no shame. They did try some of their "spirits and ghosts are talking to you. Let them tell you the truth." For her, dead people are so useful.

So, as I "imagine"

It's just X and her two kids still making phony conversations between us, and replay (play out) these phony conversations for their audience of dupes. It's the same old stuff. Make stupid associations, put in intrusive thoughts to change the meaning of what I want to say, and just plain falsehoods.

When they play these phony conversations, they make sure I look like a fool so that they can say things like, "Isn't he drinking while he's saying that to you?" I don't drink, but they always suggest it, or suggest that I smoke pot (which I haven't since about 2000). And the ever popular, "He has to beat off, then you can find out what he's thinking." They are all liars.

I remember when I was in college in 1994 and the band Nirvana was playing at the sports arena at the college. I live about two blocks away, and I thought about going, but I didn't. I did read something in the college paper about Kurt Cobain. A letter to the editor was kind of cruel and said that he should just get it over with and kill himself.

Well, of course X jumped all over this and started playing psychodrama with me and using her kids, FF and CC. It lasted for several weeks, at least. According to their set up, I was supposed to imagine them to be Kurt and Courtney Cobain, and they were just soooo friendly and it was such an honor for me, etc. Bull crap.

It got to the point where Kurt was going to show me what his "real" problem was. I saw this guy open a door and some old lady was sitting there. And that was supposed to be his problem, that he was ashamed of his foreign grandmother who is kind of senile.

Something was up. That old woman looked an awful lot like FF's grandmother (X's mother), and I realized that it was just this crappy psychodrama played out by those harrassers. The next thing I remember was standing somewhere. It was a large room with a couple of steps leading up to a bar (?). Anyway, it looked like a basement rec room. Of course, I was holding a gun to my head ( I don't own one, and it isn't far fetched to think that FF gave it to me) and then FF came up to me and shook his head, took my hand (the one with the gun in it), and put it in my mouth then backed off smiling and nodding his head.

Then X shouted his name because she knew that he just created an imprint, but I was laughing because he actually thought that he was helping. Idiots. Then I remember being at home. It might have been the same time that the phony Kurt and Courtney came to visit me at my home! and what phony honor! etc, etc, etc. So, there I was at home and walking into the living room. Some guy was kneeling in front of my mother's usual chair. The guy was wearing camo, or some green Army uniform. I figured it was some guy who was put up to the "get his mother to commit him" charade (she never falls for it, but X and her family have been pulling this one a lot lately).

So the camo guy spoke to me, or however they get away with telling me stuff and, of course, have complete deniability (that they were never there, etc) and said, "Look at you." I looked at who was sitting in the chair (they could have also just shown me a photo or something). It was FF, the phony Kurt Cobain, with a guitar. For some reason I felt hysterical. The exact same feeling as the episode at McC's ( the store I worked at in 1985, see previous posts).

So, after seeing the guy in the Army uniform, my first thought was, "It's the government!" When I first came home from the so-called Navy stint (1986), my older sister was sitting in the living room, and when I walked in she looked at me (this was after X and her husband 'woke me up,' or as they put it, "We really smoked the B___ out.") and said, "It looks like a government job to me." In other words, she tried to put the idea into my head to blame the government instead of X and her relatives. I'm afraid that many people make that error.

So there I was. Walked into the living room, camo guy says, "Look at you." I saw that FF sitting in my mother's chair, and I'm hysterical, knowing that for some reason, they 'woke me up' again. And I say/think, "It's the government." And added, "Is that what the government did to me? Made me Kurt Cobain?" And i meant literally. I immediately thought about how stupid that was, and shook my head, turned around (had a weird feeling that I was imitating (the best word that fits nowadays) some girl I knew from grade school on (she has a name very similar, one changed letter, as CC--did someone call out CC's name but I wasn't making the connection that they wanted me to?).

So, I turned and thought, "I don't have time for this (their) crap. I got to study for exams." It was graduation year, too by the way, and after Cobain's death.

*X just made me forget something and wants one thousand dollars to make me remember. It was something about FF, her son. She can go to hell.*

Anyway, the next thing I remembered was X shouting, "It's right here," and poking me in the armpit. This might have been the same time that she jabbed me in the left shoulderblade several times (at least three, maybe five times) and said, "There he is," i.e that's how to wake up the "me" she created. I only remember her in the living room once, so that and the, "It's right here," comment could have been the same day.

Jabbing in the armpit. What does that mean? Pit-high school courtyard students were allowed to smoke in-cigarettes- then what? At McC's, some lady asked me, "How do you remember?" I said, "I don't know, smoke (light?) a cigarette." Those harrassers always have a trigger to start the remembering bull.

FF has lately been saying, "He thinks he's Kurt Cobain." Then when I freely admit to it, and ask him to tell them the rest of the story, he doesn't know what to say. He and his sister bring up college a lot lately. "Oh, how hard you worked on your degree," etc. Personally, I don't think it's a big deal, but they seem to think, or make me want to feel, that it was such a waste of time, and how sad it is. They're pretty stupid and they really don't know me. They always just root around for something to make me crash, as they put it, or get me frustrated, etc.

FF recently, about a month or so ago, after one of these "too bad you spent time at college" things, said that his mother X said that it wouldn't look good for them if I graduated college. At the time, it felt like I was mainly left alone while going to college, or they just didn't put me through some sort of "debriefing/remembering" time about what they pulled on me at an earlier time. But they really did screw me with their Cobain crap.

I met, for real, some of X's friends at college. My parents knew the same people, for the most part, and from what they saw of me at the university, it sure doesn't match what they would expect from listening to X, who changes her opinions as much as the wind blows. For example, when I visited her for real, by myself, she mentioned my oldest sister, and how T made a good life for herself despite being maimed by a stroke. I thought to myself, "You wouldn't say that if you knew that T claims all the males in your family raped her." Of course X must have heard (I must have been talking out loud) because she immediately added, "But I think she's braing damaged because of her stroke," or something to that effect. So, the roadways are littered with the bodies of people whom X has thrown under her bus.

I heard the same type of talk at the warehouse I work at. I was helping some woman's daughter with math homework, and wrote out some things out for her to give to her daughter. She said, "Oh, he's crazy but he can write this out off the top of his head?" I heard the same kind of thing in 1988. After three months of working at a drug store, a coworker came up to me and asked me if I was related to my sister, J. I said yeah. Turns out, the coworker went to school with J since grade school, and started quizzing me about, "You're mother's crazy, isn't she? Did she (J) have that Arab guys baby?" After a few minutes she stopped, looked at me, and said, "You're not at all like J described you." Biggest compliment I've gotten to date.

So, I think that I'm Kurt Cobain? Leading people by the nose while they're sleeping, induce trauma (physical and mental) playing on fears, threatening (when you get home, your parents will be dead and they'll blame you. We're going to hang you and say you killed yourself. Etc, etc, etc.), and I couldn't care less of what I thought/said.

X had to show herself. Actually, I didn't see her, but I know it was her. She thought she had a knock out blow (pun intended), and nothing I will ever say after that should not be believed. Ever. Don't care much if people believe me or not. Some of them are forced to fight her battles. They don't want to end up like me, i.e. having to have her speak for me, and only she has the answers, etc. She's duping them. She's a criminal and so are her kids.

FF showed himself to be the harrasser and dupe that he is. X uses him to no end for harrassment, makes sure to direct his hatred toward me, and never even explains to him why. He got caught teaching someone how to kill themself. Not in the temple, but up the mouth. OK, how would he know? He's probably thought of it doing it himself.

And they do have a good imprint (from their point of view), but how many times can they play imprints over and over until the public and their dupes get tired of it? I'm so used to being harrassed by them for the last 27 years (44 years, if you count the first grade incident--see previous posts) that even I hate myself. Ha ha. I think/said that to them a while ago. "You're smear campaign against me and my family worked really well. Even I hate myself."

That's the way that went. He thinks he's Kurt Cobain, and I'm sure X had her phony shock/gasp/suprised/never would have known attitude all played out.

*CC is now reading words from some textbook. "You won't remember potential. You won't remember . . ." this and that. Her and her brother FF did that before. Standing next to me, CC in some 1890's get up to remind me of Mae West, and FF in some stupid cowboy outfit, which I don't get any connection at all, and while I was figuring some math problems they were saying, "You don't know your numbers. That's wrong. Do that problem over. Write a 4." And their commands work. Like the guy at work mentioned, it's the sight of some people (the ones that X chooses--at work, at the store, etc.) that induce some sort of episode that X wants played out. But in the end, telling me things like I don't know my numbers, etc, won't last very long. They can interfere, but they can't make things go away.*