THE PROBLEM OF FF

May 29, 2012 10:58 am EDT

Some things have changed lately. Still working delivery and also online. Joined some forums about sz, and actively write to someone in the UK. As I've mentioned before, I got a lot of head trouble from the usual suspects about blogging and posting. I guess they don't like it because, firstly, I tell the truth, and secondly, they can't interfere, other than screwing up my typing and making things take a little longer to do.

Anyway, I've also been reading up on CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It seems like I've been doing a lot of what's recommended in CBT. Keeping a log of thoughts and what they mean to me, which I do here and in forum posts and letters. Meditating. The one thing I haven't been doing, and what I should have been doing, is not engaging with the voices. It was hard not to engage them since most of what they say is just lies to cover for X. It always seemed like X is creating a fantasy world for herself where everybody else is subordinate, only allowed to spout out her fake stories to cover the fact that she's a rapist, and everybody is supposed to accept living in her fantasy land where everybody has fun, plays games, and is always under her watch.

So, the past few days, I haven't taken the bait and joined in their conversations, I just get my mind out of that world of the voices by looking around where I really am, at work or wherever, and not answering back to the slightest noise or voice. I find it getting easier to pull myself away from her daily babble.

Another bit of their fantasy land involves OH, X's sister (see previous posts). It's either her or some woman from the homo community (a community activist). So this woman, and I'll stick to her being X's sister, is usually there, just waiting for her cue to jump into the "you have to jump through these hoops" programming. Her cue is any mention of the gay community and she starts in with "accept their scenario of 'you want to be a woman, or drag queen,' or some other crap thing she has. I say that community is the last place I belong, but no, they have all these things for me to do and they have worked so hard on me to accept their idea of what I should be that I just have to do that for them. But these are the same people who say things like, "You will never be complete until you try to kill yourself for real." And I'm supposed to follow their plans?

So, when OH doesn't like something or if she's being sidelined because there's no mention of queers, she'll snap her fingers or clap three times to get me to be MH, their literal goon who physically reacts to trigger words, the one who (at McC's, the store in 1985) woke up and when they shined a light on me and asked me who I was, I said MH, then I saw (or thought I saw) sister T, and said, "You." So they play out that bit and of course they apply anything I say or think to that agenda.

OH also pushes the queer agenda, but if push came to shove, she would push X's agenda of 'I need you to go out in a dress.' X even played out a 'oh, just once before I die, please put on a dress.' Not happening. But that's all X knows because she, along with others, started that dress wearing crap when I was six. As X put it a few times lately, "Either you accept this (holds up a dress) or you die (points to ground--without saying the word die)." I choose neither.

OH also reminds me of the time at MEPS, the military induction place I went to in 1986. When I was there, they swore me in and some guys took me away and the next thing I remember is sitting in some chair with some guys  on either side of me. This woman was screaming at them to hold me down. Someone had a needle with some yellowish stuff in it. One of the guys said that what she was going to do was illegal. She screamed that she didn't care and they should give me 'all of it." And then they did and I had a horrible nightmare (see previous post).

I'm beginning to believe that what I went through at MEPS was "waking up" what X and her accomplices did to me at X's house the day before I went to MEPS. The first thing I remember after they inducted, and then shot me up with whatever, was some woman asking me, "Who is your godmother?" I said it was X. The woman started to write and I told her how to spell the name.

Lately, FF has been hanging around again, with his mother, X, never far away. He was always used as a harasser for them. He was sister J's "guide" back in 1985, and he's the one who passed a note to some coworker of mine in 1986, a note that asked me about my heritage. Then he has been there the past couple of years as someone to copy, as X calls it C, or watch. And the dumber the copying of FF is, the better for them. And let's not forget the time he played out the Kurt Cobain psychodrama.

Now, it seems he is being used as someone to do X's dirty work when she's not around. He'll stand around telling me what to do or else, as he puts it, "I can make you into a girl." Oh really? Lamest imitation of a broad I would be. Then he snaps his fingers, and when nothing happens he gets pissed. Earlier, someone dragged him away right before I mentioned the fact that his mother, X, is a rapist, and he was screaming, "How can I do (this) when I don't even know who I am?"

I'm not surprised that he doesn't know who he is. X probably keeps him mentally a three year old. FF did say something telling earlier today. When I mentioned the word rape, he said, "No, that was G (my sister)." That's probably why they mention her a lot and threaten her (we'd hate for you to lose your sister G). They are setting her up as a scapegoat, and leave it to X and her relatives to drag everyone down to X's level. If she's going to be a rapist (and she is) then so is anyone who knows about her.

That's about how it is in X's fantasy world nowadays. Always ready with a cover story that everybody else is going to be witnesses to, whether they like it or not. And always ready with the daily routine of 'make mistakes and absentmindedly do this or that and just associate.' And they're always ready with the "Who are you now?" question.

As CBT would tell us, now isn't where I'm at when they do their routine. Now is where I'm at when I remember.

So what is the problem? Hearing voices.
What are my beliefs about that? It's X and her accomplices creating cover stories and keeping me quiet.
How does that make me feel? Used. Humiliated. Defenseless. Distressed that I'm not allowed to leave.
What behavior does that bring out in me? In my head--arguing with them with the facts that I know. Yelling. Threatening them. Slap 'em around. In real life--wasting a lot of time thinking about it even after I've written it all out. Being careful of what words I even think, let alone say out loud. Isolate myself. Do nothing more than what's required. Living like a criminal.

Question it:
Can X and her accomplices really do all that conversing with me that I remember in my waking hours? No.
Can anyone change me into a girl or any other "person"? No, and I never believed that, only believed that that is what she can show someone.
What if they were really trying to help, not harm? Laughable. From the things I hear, none of it is helpful. The technique of this sort of "help" is a problem in and of itself.
Can anyone do all this without my cooperation? No. But threats work wonders when they come from someone who victimized me.

What to change? The thoughts or the behavior? The behavior. The thoughts are just what they are--thoughts. Can't stop them. Just having thought doesn't automatically make it true, or even valid.

What to do about it? Learn to ignore and not to agree with them or engage them in conversation. And write about it.