EDIT AND REPEAT

MONDAY AUGUST 29, 2011 11:44 AM EDT

It seems like I've been going over to X's house at various times in the past, probably dragged over there by my uncle. He's probably so far in the bag for her that he can't get out. He could be the one who starts up these memories of their harrassment. I don't think X is dumb enough to do a lot of the harrassment herself, she just uses fronts to do her dirty work.

So, I'm probably over there getting harrassed -- told who to copy, imitate, watch, make calls and yell at people, prompted for things that 'wake up' at work -- and these things come out while I'm at work or at the store.

They practice things like going to the store. When I got to the store once, I saw a box of crackers or some kind of snack food, and I thought, "Oh, they got these here." Then I imagined somebody, probably FF, say, "Act happy." I almost laughed out loud. Act happy because they got these snacks? Never felt like being happy about that. But, I did imagine jumping up and down like a child would.

She still loves trying to pass off FF as someone to count on, someone to ask for help if they make me forget something. Simple things like going to another web page. X will say or make some remark to forget it. And then her son has to act like he knows that I forgot and waits for me to ask for help, but I don't. I'd rather not, and those things aren't so important and I'll most likely remember on my own anyway when browsing the web.

She did say once, lately, "Thanks for watching her FF." I know what she means. She means we most likely spent time with me watching him act like an idiot and then copy it later when they just have to flash me (take pictures of me) at work so their crap gets out as they want it to (their version) or so her son can play psychic and say what we rehearsed at their house. Complete with their inserts and making me repeat after them.

I told a story to the cashier at the convenience store the other night. Years ago, I walked into that store and asked the guy working there, "How'd your day go?' The guy said, "What? Did you call me a dago?" No, I didn't. After I told her that, while walking out, it ran through my mind that FF said, "Oh. That's a good one. That's mine." Then he started to repeat it, but didn't get it right. They've done that before. Tell us the funniest this or that, then they tell me to forget it. They just have to try to make FF so smart and helpful and funny. He's not.

I don't think they have much more to do, really. Someone flashed me at work, like they were told to do so -- probably by getting a text or phone call. Then I say something or do something that's supposed to let them at work know ......... whatever. The other day, I saw the tail end of the light and felt myself acting like my sister G, saying something, but it was a young version of her, almost pre teen. And I heard someone say, "Oh my god." or, "You got to be kidding." I have no idea what I said "as G" or if I was muted or not.

And when I went to the store about two days ago. I walked in, and there were a few other customers in there. It ran through my mind that X's daughter said,"Look at the next guy (or whoever) in the face." I wasn't looking anyone in the face. "Look at him, he has a message for you." No, I thought, if I look at his face, I'll probably say something or make a face or something. Those outsiders don't know of any messages (unless they are their dupes who are there to cause trouble). That was just some guy in a store.

Like the time I went to the department store after work. While in the car going there, in my mind it was KS, saying how they fixed me, I was back to normal, and I said, well, even my splits are splitting, personalities copying themselves over and over. So, when I got to the store, I just walked down the aisle and I blew a kiss to some guy who worked there. Automatically and had no thought to do so.

There's no point in anyone at work 'waking up' whatever the idiocy of the day is. They put me through things like contrived conversations or psychodramas at their house or over the phone while I'm out, and it starts up while I'm at work. The conversations run through my mind as if they are there at the warehouse, they're not there, but I'm supposed to 'feel' that they are. I'm supposed to 'react' to them as if they were. They probably hope that I talk to them as I did at their rehearsals at home or where ever they do it originally.

But, I still carry my recorder and listen to it, and I haven't heard myself talking or anything. But the prompt they give me to start is usually one that makes it begin when I cross the threshhold into the warehouse. I imagine hearing someone say my nickname as soon as I get through the door. And there's no "important information" I'm supposed to understand. There never was, it's just humiliating things from my past that get repeated or just some embarrassing thing I'll say or do at a certain point that they triggered beforehand.

Things change, though, between the time of the original conversations with them and the replay that goes on later. The sentences are the same, but sometimes the speakers are different. That's their reason for doing it. For example, the most popular thing is to make my dad as being the one who beat CC in her bed in 1969.
She'll say it was my dad. But during the replay, it comes out as my line, because there are prompts like "be CC then" (then meaning later on during the replay) or, copying FF's line or something. Or adding on or cutting off something I thought of in the original conversation. Like saying, "I did not." They cut me off and it comes out as "I did."

Basically, they know what they want me to say. They start a conversation or train of thought. As they go along, they figure out how to get me to say those words, no matter who they are directed at. They edit, put this line into someone else's mouth, cut out certain words, stick some question in fromt of something I said so it sounds like I'm answering, but it's something that I hadn't heard and wasn't in the original conversation.

They are cut and paste scripts. Easy to do. Time consuming most likely, but considering what those people are, to them it's worth the trouble. But, after 27 years, the fact that they still have to do it means that they still think that they have to  play to some audience to try to reinforce their point and use me as some contrived evidence for their stories. And making me look like a loon and a criminal just for fun.

What would a shrink think of all these phony personalities? I don't hear them, but when they ask me a question and I answer, the thought (not the thoughts of, but the idea of, i.e. their personality or attitude) of different people. Any one from people I've known, relatives, actors/actresses, cartoon characters. They'll ask me a question, and I'll answer, usually a short answer, and after a few words, I'll realize that I'm copying the attitude or personality of so-and-so, and I realize that they stuck some name that I didn't hear(or some hand sign, I don't know) at the end of their question. It's my answer, but they point and say, "See, now he thinks he's so-and-so." No, I don't. And I'm getting into the habit of answering and ending with, "And I'm not so-and-so, either." Sometimes, I'll keep talking (or thinking, or what ever the way to put it) and soon, after I realize "who" I'm supposed to be for them, that attitude fades, and it's just me. When I tell them to f**k off, they know that's me. I wonder if they are trying to pass it off as 'some other personality took over. Someone should ask them, "Why would another personality take over?"

There is one thing that sort of explains one of those personality things. I remember being at some phony shrink's once in April 1986. Don't know how I got there. I remember it as a sequence of events. One of them was when I was sitting in front of this man. Tall, thin dark hair, thinning I think. This was after the "read sentences and fill in the blanks" exercise. The last sentence was said to me by some woman sitting in front of me. She said, "And only you (pointing at me) can ..." Then I looked to my right automatically and said, or thought, "Fill in the blanks." I immediately felt like sisterG. It was weird.

So next, I'm sitting in front of that guy. He says, "I'm going to try this one more time." He pointed to my left, I looked, and saw a broad in gaudy make up and dangling earrings who was blowing me an exaggerated kiss. I thought it was my sisterT mocking me. Then I looked to my right. I looked forward and some skinny lady in dark clothes was walking by and clapped something closed, like a wallet, shook her head and said, "He'll never get it."

Last year, when that phony lady playing lawyer came around, the one who said when someone first introduced her to me (she needed some girl to point me out to her)," When we f**k people up, they stay f**ked up." She got to be boring with her claptrap and I said that I wanted to go. Of course, I wasn't allowed. So, I said I'll just regress myself and figure out things myself. She said that I couldn't, or it won't work. I thougth, I know where to get information better than she would. So, I went back to that phony psychiatrist or whoever, and pick up just after the "Fill in the blanks" thing, just to see if I missed something while thinking about it since 1985.

So, there it was again, sitting there, "try it one more time. Straight ahead is now. Over there (my left) is the past. There (my right) is the future." I got the straight ahead now part before. This time, I looked to my left three times, not only once that I always did before, and saw the clownlike broad blowing me a kiss. Turned to right, it was actually not much of a feeling, but if I had to choose, I'd say it was sisterG (maybe because it was just after the "Fill in the blanks." *sisterG*. Then I looked forward and that was all. No skinny girl in dark clothes walking by. The guy pointed to my right and left simultaneously and said, "See, they're the same thing." ( or, they're both the same).

But something must have happened because looking to the right was three times, not once. One other time, years ago, I was laying on my back somewhere, just rolling my head from side to side, and I could see my face. Looked crazy confused. It seemed like everytime I moved my head from side to side, I would lose my train of thought. Had no thoughts really, just looking at myself  while I rolled by head back and forth. Someone said,"See, that's how "you" wake up." I thought, there's just no point in waking up, then."

I was thinking about what will happen when these people start to die off. They're pretty old, and X's goblins are pushing 50. Does she expect them to carry this crap on? Do they want to spend the rest of their lives making sure I look screwed up? If they didn't rehearse so much stuff, everything from going to the store, taking a bath, getting a hair cut, eating, farting, whatever (they always have some dumb conversation attached to it), none of those those conversations and planned 'triggers for later' would come up.

So, I was thinking about that, and X jumps in with, "I'll make sure that you go first." Makes sense, she always says that I should just accept her brainwashing that she thinks can keep me from saying anything to her son about her. Promise, promise, promise. But in her world, the most inane saying can turn into a literal nightmare. I refuse to bargain, and how can something I've known all my life just disappear because she says so? It may sound like "somebody else is talking, so it's not him and not to be believed." But that doesn't change anything that happened.